Previewing Universal’s Volcano Bay: Don’t go there yet (yeah, we went there)

"Disney never would have opened with things half-done like that," a blogger — pardon us, media influencer — riding the media bus back from Volcano Bay to our hotel says.

First things first: Universal Orlando paid for our hotel, our park admissions, our food, our drinks and gave us gift cards to spend. We really, really appreciate that. The quid pro quo here — or, at least, what lots of people assume — is that we're going to write/post/blog/tweet/gram about how much fun we're having. And we did have fun. Of course we did: It's three free days at a theme park, right? And one of those was a water park with almost no one there because they only allowed media peeps inside. 

But.

Sure, everybody thinks the media these days can be influenced (there's that word again) with some free rum drinks and cool lime-green rash guards, but we've got a liquor cabinet in our newsroom, and rash guards aren't things we hope we'll need after this trip.

I would have appreciated, however, having more of the water park we were supposed to be shown completed for our visit — and the folks that will surely flock to the Memorial Day Weekend opening might, as well.

In all truthfulness, Universal worked really hard to have Volcano Bay ready for today's media preview. They failed, but they worked really hard.

We — and by "we" I mean me and a passel of other journos I heard murmuring and I'm not about to name them because why ruin everyone's chances at getting included in future media trips, right? — had our doubts last night when our gracious hosts led us to the top floor of the spectacular Cabana Bay to look at the new two-bedroom suites. Those, by the way, we loved. Totally rad Jetsons feel and spacious enough that the entire edit staff of CL could share a suite (but we're cozy like that; your mileage may vary).

Our escorts told us to take no pictures and no video of Volcano Bay, of which we had an awesome view from the suites. We assumed it was a "we don't want to spoil the great reveal" type of thing, but when we looked out the window, it was apparent the issue was more "we are scrambling like hell to get this ready and don't want people to doubt how awesome it's going to be."

Since we can't show you photos — they're out there, but we're going to respect Universal and not post links to them here — allow us to paint you a mental picture of what we saw: Only the wave pool was filled, which left a lot of bare cement. The sand wasn't down, either — at least, not all of it. Again, lots of bare cement. The barriers between backstage and the water park weren't in place.

In short, it looked about a month away from ready (please understand my experience in *actual* theme park building is limited to Roller Coaster Tycoon, so I held my doubts until opening day). 

Buses were supposed to get us media folk to the park by 10 a.m., but by 10:15 we were still waiting. At 10:30, we arrived… and waited for the grand reveal. On our way towards the main gate, we passed a lot of tired-looking — but smiling — workers in hard hats. The escalator wasn't working yet, either. NBD. A broken escalator's just stairs, right?

We went in, received our "wearable" to help us not wait in line for rides (the really crappy weather and lack of anyone but the media in the park made this a non-issue today) and would activate water features throughout the park. The wearable worked for a selfie we took at the lockers, but not much else. We started walking through the park and noticed a lot of plants that looked like maybe they'd been in pots an hour earlier. Again, NBD, but when we noticed landscapers working and a Universal employee stepped in front of them and tried to distract us, it was funny. Um, I can still see those guys working, attractions hostess, it's not like you threw a cloak of invisibility over them.

At the quick service restaurant, the staff was cheerful and knowledgeable. As in, CL Food+Drink Editor Meaghan had the quinoa burger (read how much she liked it in her own post) and I had to order a gluten-free meal which, at this restaurant, amounted to a burger and fries. The staff was awesome about making sure they used different tongs for the GF food, which made up for not having a great selection of GF stuff.

Over at the bar, we fell in love with Adam (from England), Jo (from Pensacola) and Lidia (we forget where she's from — free drinks and all). They made great drinks and, like all the staff we've encountered this week at all three of Universal's parks, fantastic. 

Oh, and that worker using a drill to finish assembling the bar? They did an excellent job of pretending it wasn't happening.

The real problem wasn't the finishing touches yet to be, well, finished. Large portions of the park weren't ready, like the meandering bayou (Lazy River, Rambling Bayou, whatever you call it, every water park has one), which was disappointing. Sidewalks didn't have safety rails in places where they were elevated. The kiddie area wasn't ready. Even if Universal gets this done for tomorrow — and trust me, while that's a big if, it's not out of the picture — it means the first crowds will be the ones to find any flaws or defects. Bummer for them.

Well, OK, it was technically a bummer for us — but for the people streaming in opening day, it's more than a bummer; it's a $67 aggravation. For a family of four, that's a $268 bummer (plus food and drinks, which won't be free for them). 

I'm sure when it's all working, Volcano Bay will amaze people. But at $67 a ticket — Adventure Island's regular price ticket is $55 and a $62 ticket gets you one-day access to both Disney's Typhoon Lagoon and Blizzard Beach — it should amaze from the start. 

What's odd, too, is how I can't find any other news outlet talking about that. What I'm reading instead is regurgitated PR; in south Florida, the NBC affiliate extols the virtues of floating on the lazy river, which wasn't open when they filmed the segment (or even filled with water) — the footage they use is all PR footage, which they don't make clear to the viewer. 

While the bulk of what you'll find online is similar fluff, kudos to WFTV, O-town's ABC affiliate, for mentioning the whole naked emperor thing, and how no signs direct guests to Volcano Bay (and how the state says they have none requested or planned) and how their GPS takes them to the construction entrance.

That doesn't even cover the shocking amounts of cultural appropriation happening with the carefully crafted backstory, which is cool if you can overlook the fact that mushing all South Pacific cultures together into a seamless experience is a lot like saying all Europeans are the same. Ask a Brit how he feels about the French and you'll see how well that works out.

We will keep the rash guard, though, Universal. Thanks.

Cathy Salustri is CL's Arts & Entertainment editor. Contact her here.

This article appears in May 18-25, 2017.