Well, friends, we are having the time of our lives here at the Republican National Convention.
Our day began with pissed-off protesters, middled with pissed-off protesters and ended with...pissed-off rich people and pissed-off protesters.
Let's have us a recap, shall we?
Noon-ish?
We arrive at a park called Mall A, which is best described as being near the waterfront with a giant statue of a dude pointing to the sky in the middle of a fountain. It's a huge anti-Trump protest that drew about 400. As we wrote about Monday, many if not most were from out of state, and traveled there to very vocally criticize Donald Trump's positions on immigration, economics, you name it. Many were also critical of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, it should be noted.
1:15 p.m.
O.M.G. We spot Geraldo Rivera. For the second time today!
1:30 p.m.
Down to Settlers Landing, where we hear the Bikers for Trump guys are having a little shindig, headlined by none other than controversial conservative flamethrower Roger Stone and other controversial conservative flamethrower Alex Jones. Protesters from the Stop Trump rally seem headed in the direction of the Bikers event. Fortunately for all, they do not end up there. Bonus: amidst all of the Hillary for Prison t-shirts we discovered Christ Horn. Behold!
4:00 p.m.
Inside the arena, shit goes down. Seriously, down. Reports of a total system breakdown are all over social media. The Republican party implodes, we guess. Anti-Trump Repubs are in full force, trying to shut this whole thing down via a procedural move. They do not succeed. (Actually, a couple of Republican delegates we chatted with at a bar later said the whole thing was totally overblown.)
6:27 p.m.
During a live MSNBC panel broadcast from near the arena, Republican Congressman Steve King makes comments that can really only be described as white supremacist.
7:30 p.m.
We catch up with Tampa activist extraordinaire Kelly Benjamin, who was fresh from a rally headlined by Chuck D of Public Enemy fame. He doesn't have an official capacity in terms of organizing any protests this time around, but wants to see what he can see. And there is a fucking lot to see.
7:50 p.m.
The convention returns from an early evening recess. The utterly compelling speaker roster includes hipster Rick Perry, 90s male underwear model guy, Chachi, a U.S. Senator lady proud of castrating pigs, Benghazifest '16, immigrant haters, Rudy Giuliani and some reality show star from 15 years ago and his wife.
The speeches were twice interrupted by Code Pink activists, who were of course escorted out of the arena.
11 p.m.
Of course, the big event of the evening was Melania Trump's exaltation of her husband, who made a surprise appearance to introduce her. Even more surprisingly, he didn't talk for very long, and he barely even mentioned himself.
Here's the full text of his remarks:
“We're going to win so big. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to win so big,” he said "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor to present the next First Lady of the United States, my wife, an amazing mother and an incredible woman, Melania Trump.”
The real prize for next-level shit we couldn't possibly have made up actually goes to Mrs. Trump. She did well, didn't flub at all, seemed pretty likable, but a blogger noticed that a key passage in her speech was nearly identical to one First Lady Michelle Obama gave during the 2008 Democratic National Convention. Mrs. Trump insisted she wrote her speech, and Donald Trump issued the following statement afterward, which the campaign attributed to senior communications advisor Jason Miller:
"In writing her beautiful speech, Melania's team of writers took notes on her life’s inspirations, and in some instances included fragments that reflected her own thinking. Melania’s immigrant experience and love for America shone through in her speech, which made it such a success,” reads the statement.
So...Melania was inspired by Michelle Obama, then?
The incident far surpassed our expectations.
Let's hope this sets the tone for the rest of the convention.
