BEST ORLANDO KNOCK-OFF
Kissimmee
Ah, Kissimmee … how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 10. Tacky tourists; 9. Splendid China; 8. Capone's Dinner and Show; 7. The Haunted Grimm House of Old Town; 6. That bitchin' tourist shop with the huge wizard creeping over the top of the building; 5. Three words: "purple road signs"; 4. Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament; 3. Arabian Nights; 2. GATORLAND! (aww yeah); and the No. 1 reason to love Kissimmee: for all its pastel colors and endless supply of hotels — It's still not Orlando.
BEST LAST LAUGH
Bubba the Love Sponge in Entertainment Weekly
Say what you want about the man — we often do. Call him a pig, a bastard, a no-talent hack. But when was the last time you were featured in a national magazine? We've gotta give credit where credit is due: Congrats Bubba, and thanks for putting Tampa on the map for something other than strip clubs and inept voters. Someone call Richard Florida and tell him Tampa's got its own certified, Stern-like shock jock. It's a start, right?
BEST PLAYED-OUT WORDSCouldn't pick just one, folks. And while these words have appeared ad nauseam in the Planet and other local rags (including in this writer's rare pieces), and will likely appear again, they still annoy the piss outta me: noir, foodie (shudder!), riffage, a la, wine snob, post-hardcore, ironic and 'em (it's not a word, man!). And, for good measure, a few words that just plain creep me the fuck out: davenport, ramekin, coq au vin and chuke (i.e. a knit cap worn in the winter. It's a Midwestern thing).
BEST PLAYED-OUT WORD
I STILL USE. A LOT.
Dude
What can I say? It just slips out. Sometimes in rapid-fire succession. (editor's note: Miz K also uses words like "jeepers" and phrases like "heavens to Betsy." Ironic or not?)
BEST PLANET PARTY HOUSE
Accounting Goddess Marsha Smoot's St. Pete Pad
Planet, schmanet … hell any party at Marsha's is one to remember. Throw together a couple hundred people, lots of tequila shots, plenty of beer, two or three local bands violating the noise ordinance in the back yard, a few visits from the cops and toilets that have a tendency to overflow and you know it'll be a night to remember.
BEST ELVIS SIGHTING
Memphis Gold
Elvis has definitely not left this building. This awesome little Dunedin shop has everything the King-obsessed could ever crave. Let's just scratch the surface, shall we? Holiday ornaments, jewelry, vinyl, books, ashtrays, comic books, shirts, ties, games, mouse pads, key chains, dolls, posters, magnets, mugs, cookie jars and license plates. Excited yet? Then get yourself some "Money Honey," and "Shake, Rattle & Roll" yourself to Memphis Gold.
Memphis Gold, 1143 Main St., Dunedin, 727-738-8412.
BEST SLOW DEATH
Saints & Sinners Film Festival
Let it be known that I'm crazy about the Renegade Films gang, and I both admire and understand what they're trying to do for the local film scene with this festival. That said, c'mon guys: three festivals in less than a year? Am I the only one who's noticed the dwindling crowds? The first festival was packed. And the PR on your site says something about "record-breaking crowds" at the most recent one. All I know is, having sat through all of them from start to finish, I had plenty of room to move at the last one. More is not always better, fellas, and I'd hate to see a good thing die because there's just too much of it.
Saints & Sinners Film Festival, www.renegadefilms.net/festival.htm.
BEST PLACE TO RUN
A RED LIGHT
Florida Avenue and Kay Street
Downtown Tampa, 3:30 a.m., you're coming home from the Mug, or Pegasus, or wherever. You take Exit 45 off I-275 South doing 65 mph, nearly do a death roll on the curve that comes out of nowhere, and find yourself waiting at the light at Florida and Kay. And waiting. And waiting. You look left. No point in looking right 'cause Florida's a one-way. You lock your doors when the odd scary person loiters on the corner, eyeballing your car. You feel that sensation in the pit of your stomach that everyone feels when they're about to do something they shouldn't: "Should I run it? Yeah, nobody's coming. But what if those headlights 4 miles away belong to a cop? OK, I'm gonna do it! No! With my shitty luck, I'll get caught." Bitch, just run that shit.
BEST CAN'T-TELL-IT'S-CHEAP STORE
Pier 1 Imports
And they can't, you know. Not that everything in Pier 1 is a bargain, but look carefully and you'll be surprised by all the great deals. Everything looks like it came out of a Spiegel catalog, and there's nothing that says you can't say it did.
Pier 1 Imports, locations throughout Tampa Bay, www.pier1.com.
BEST CHEAP-BUT-WE-DON'T-CARE STORE
Tuesday Morning
I love this place. It's cheap as hell, most things look cheap as hell, but who gives a rip? You can furnish your entire pad from this place, and if something breaks or wears out quickly, so what? It cost a pittance in the first place, and there's plenty more where that came from. I especially like the rugs — always 50- to 80-percent cheaper than everywhere else (what's up with the price of rugs these days? Sheesh!), and the selection's not half-bad. It's not half-good, but what do you want for 80-percent off?
Tuesday Morning, locations throughout Tampa Bay, www.tuesdaymorning.com.
BEST BRIC-A-BRAC
The Weird Shoppe, Inc.
The shop's card says, "Unique one of a kind collectibles." No foolin'. This interesting little shop on S. Manhattan Avenue has been around in various locations for years, and it's the first place I look for a gift for someone who has everything. The place is tiny and packed, and hidden among the various masks and statues and items from Bali, India and other far off lands are the true oddities: half a stuffed wild boar, a real human skeleton, shrunken heads, an old Army-issue anesthesia machine, "Paleo poop" (from long-extinct dinosaurs don'tcha know), road kill "Art by Tire," a 17-foot-plus boa constrictor skin, and all manner of petrified and framed spiders, scorpions and other creepy crawlers to freak out the squeamish types in your life. I recently bought my 75-year-old mother who has everything a coconut purse. She doesn't need it, but it beats slippers, and I'll win the most-unique-gift award. Thanks again, Weird Shoppe!
The Weird Shoppe, Inc., 4556 S. Manhattan Ave., Unit A, Tampa, 813-240-8280.
BEST PLACE TO GET BEAD-Y EYED
Beadlejules
I'm not as crafty as I'd like to be, but that doesn't matter with Beadlejules around. This little shop in a house on Bay to Bay Boulevard is awash in a sea of beads, any kind you could ever want. It dazzles the eye, truly. And if you don't have the artsy gene to make something yourself, the shop has plenty of pre-made items — necklaces, bracelets and the like — or they'll custom design items using beads of your choosing. But good luck narrowing it down. And if you're inclined to learn the art of jewelry making, Beadlejules offers lots of classes for kids and adults alike.
Beadlejules, 3210 Bay to Bay Blvd. W., Tampa, 813-839-5655 or www.beadlejules.com.
This article appears in Sep 25 – Oct 1, 2003.