Damsella beat her firsts against Kurby’s rock hard chest. He ignored her struggles as his lips continued their plundering of her luscious breasts. He lifted her completely into his arms and made his way to the bed that dominated his room.
“Please, you must stop!” Damsella gasped. Her bosom heaved in a mix of fear and passion. She could not help her attraction to this swarthy, lean, tall man with his abundance of muscles and piercing eyes. The things he was doing to her body made it cry out for more of his touch, though she knew that she should not give in to temptation. Kurby laid her gently onto the bed, then crawled up to straddle her legs. Gripping the sides of her (insert women’s top here), he ripped the garment to pieces. At the sight of her lovely mounds, he groaned in the back of his throat.
“You’re so beautiful!” he cried, taking a nipple into his mouth.
“Nay! Nay”! Damsella cried. “You mustn’t!”
Kurby released her nipple with a pop. “Do you really want me to stop?” he asked. He lifted her skirts above her waist, fingers lingering to dip into her sweet folds. “Your mouth says one thing, but your body says another.” His fingers began to move. “You’re wet and eager for me to take you.”
Damsella shook her head in denial even as she moaned Kurby’s name. Her arms twined around his neck to bring him closer. “Don’t stop!” she cried. Within moments he brought her to a screaming orgasm. Stars exploded behind Damsella’s eyes as wave upon wave crashed over her trembling body. Never had she felt such a feeling before. As she lay sprawled on the bed, Kurby began to disrobe. It was Damsella’s first time seeing a naked man. He was perfection from his chiseled stomach to his perfect face. Her eyes could not help but look at his manhood, jutting from the juncture of his thighs. Hard and stiff, it stood straight as a flagpole and almost as thick. The smooth head with its bulbous tip reminded her of a tulip.
“Touch it,” Kurby said with a catch in his voice. Her hands closed around his root. It felt like velvet wrapped around steel. Gently she squeezed, earning a ragged moan from Kurby. Feeling adventurous, she smoothed her thumb over the weeping slit at the top. Kubry moaned again
“Did I hurt you?” she asked softly. His answer was to toss her back onto the bed.
“I must have you!” he cried. “Now! I will be gentle!” Slowly he began to enter her. He stopped when he felt her maiden head. “This might hurt… but only a little!”
Damsella screamed as he ripped past her maidenhood. Soon the pain was replaced by intense pleasure. She soared over the skies as Kurby panted and groaned above her. Higher, higher until, together, their combined climaxes burst over them in a wave of colorful explosions. Within moments, Damsella felt Kurby harden within her.
“Oh yes, my love,” she cried. “Oh yes!”
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I’d regale you with more of the adventures of Damsella and Kurby, but then the editor would beat me for causing the readership to develop chronic indigestion.
Yes, I read romance novels. From the days of sneaking them past my mother to the stacks that are threatening to overtake my desk, they have topped my lists of favorite books. I couldn't tell you which author is my favorite. So instead, I will tell you five of the most misleading clichés told by romance novels.
1) The Bad Female Anatomy Lesson.
If your sex education was received from romance novels (or porn), you probably fell for the old wives tale about hymens (maidenheads in most romance novels) being located inside the vagina, near the cervix/womb/halfway up the vaginal canal. A lot of girls are not encouraged to explore the lower regions of their bodies, so it’s an easy enough trick to fall for. The belief was backed up by the fact that novel after novel supported the notion. In truth, the hymen is located at the opening of the vagina (click here to see diagrams and pictures). Some women are born without a hymen. Others may lose it during strenuous activity like exercise (not that kind) or sports. However she does lose it, it most certainly won't be after time spent poking around her cervix.
2) Penis feels like what?
I wanted to call bullshit on this one the moment I first read it in a romance novel. Unfortunately, attempting to ask my mother if it was true or not set off a round of “who touched my baby?!” This is the velvet covered steel motif. According to some romance novels (read: enough that it became a trope), penises feel like velvet covered steel… or steel covered in velvet… or hot, silky rods(assuming “silk” is not being used to describe female anatomy). These fuzzy steel penises throb, pulsate and point straight up to the roof. Just makes you want to shove it right in, doesn’t it? Aside from the eventual let down upon discovering that the male anatomy does not feel like velvet (at least they’re still pettable), the idea of having a man shove something that feels like a steel pole into one’s body is not entirely arousing. One false move with inflexible metal rods and one’s bodily orifices could result in pain for both parties.
Besides, fuzz on a penis that is not associated with body hair is never a good sign.
3) All penises are circumcised.
In the United States, more males are circumcised than not. The trend is not the same in Europe, the Caribbean, and parts of Asia. Circumcision's popularity in the U.S. began in the late 19th century. Depending on who you ask, parents have their baby boys snipped either because they feel it promotes cleanliness (and therefore reduce chances of STI transmission), as part of religious tradition, or for purely aesthetic reasons. If you’re reading a historical novel featuring Christians in Medieval Europe though, chances are the males were uncircumcised. So for all of those vampire fans out there, yon 200 year old vamp probably still has his undead foreskin on his throbbing, pulsating, rampant penis.
4) Men make noise during sex… sometimes as much as the women.
This myth caused me to think that I was doing it wrong for ages. My partners tend to just breathe heavy and make funny faces during sex. Only their white-knuckled grips on the nearest surface gave me an indication that I was pushing the right buttons. But, but, men in romance novels don’t just lay there and breathe heavy. Men in romance novels moan, growl, and groan during sex and then cum with shouts of satisfaction. If his partner is really lucky, the man roars his climax to the heavens before releasing torrents of frothy “seed” and “juices” into her pulsating vagina. Hell, even the guys in porno were making noise during sex. Were my partners broken? I polled my sexually active friends just to be sure I wasn’t the only person who had yet to encounter this elusive creature. The general consensus was “Where are these noise making men and how can we find one?”
5) “No” means “Yes” if she’s moaning.
As with Damsella and Kurby’s interlude, many a romance novel features love/smut/sex scenes where the male lead continues foreplay while the female lead (repeatedly) begs him to stop. Unless the woman bursts into messy, sobbing tears of despair, the male lead will present her pebbled nipples and well-lubricated vagina as evidence that she wants it. Badly. Some call this a “forced seduction”. Romance novelists usually justify this type of courtship by letting the reader know well in advance that the female lead likes, or at least has the hots for, the male lead. She’s just in denial because the male is the enemy/a known rake/a man that’s not a relative/good looking/ insert reason here. Unfortunately for men in the real world, continuing foreplay on a woman who has clearly said “no” carries a jail sentence. No matter how wet she is or how much she’s humping your leg as she says it.
Do I find the continuation of these tropes vexing? Yes. It's a big mood killer when the man's penis is described as a pulsating, tulip-shaped piece of metal coated in fuzzy cloth. I have made a point to never, ever use any of the conventions described above except in jest. If I ever break that habit, I will probably deserve whatever beatings the editor decides to dole out.
This article appears in Jul 8-14, 2009.