‘Tis the night before Christmas, and all through the house, nothing is stirring … not even the 10-year-old boy whose family forgot him. They forgot him. Their little angel. Their baby.

Their little angelic presentless baby.

Panic-stricken and feeling like crap (not to mention a little loaded), the family races to International Plaza to find something, anything, to get the kid.

Cybox: The Boxing Robots

Grandma walked into The Sharper Image for the only reason anyone does — a free massage. Then, with the rollers going on her feet and the heat pounding on her back, she spied the perfect gift for little Joey: these two robots, a foot tall and bearing a strong resemblance to a pair of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers with several badly pulled muscles. With the remote controls, Joey and a friend can wail on each other all they want — they just can’t move laterally.

$69.95, The Sharper Image.

The O’Reilly Factor: For Kids

Dad, already pissed off at being dragged out of the house, refused to walk into a toy store — no self-respecting man would. But when he saw O’Reilly’s new book (pitched as a Dr. Phil-esque guide to family communication), he knew he’d found the young neo-con’s dream. O’Reilly will get the kid riled up. He’ll get him some guts! And he’ll teach him to talk to anyone — even female producers!

$16, Waldenbooks.

America: The Book

Not about to be upstaged by his brother, our illustrious uncle followed Dad to the bookstore, hell bent on winning the “present for the kid we forgot” battle. Nothing’s cooler than The Daily Show these days, and this faux textbook will spice up anyone’s shelf, especially one filled exclusively with Harry Potter. With a forward from Thomas Jefferson, a typically biting indictment of the media, and an illustration of the chief justices in the nude, there’s a lot to laugh at — even if it takes our Joey a couple years to get it.

$17.46, Waldenbooks.

Frog Pond/Slime Kit/Pranks and Gags Kit

Mom, horrified by her negligence, can’t just get the normal tube socks and math puzzle combo that’s worked so well in the past. Searching the mall for something that will help him — but that he actually might like (are those backpacks with the rollers cool these days?), she stumbles upon the mecca of slightly educational, slightly fun toys — The Discovery Channel Store. The frog pond (you have to send away for the tadpoles) will teach our young man the value of life. The slime, which he makes himself, will teach him the value of hard work. And the pranks and gags kit? Well, that’ll teach him the invaluable potential of some fake vomit.

Frogs: $29.95; Slime: $19.95; Pranks and Gags: $19.95, The Discovery Channel Store.

Grand Theft Auto — San Andreas

Having pre-ordered two copies for himself six months ago, our teenager found it in himself to give his little brother one. It’ll have to be under-the-table, though — in this latest edition of Grand Theft Auto, you can take off and go to Vegas. And no 10-year-old should be able to go to Vegas armed with cash, a Lamborghini and a missile launcher — even virtually. Nope, that’s strictly a 13-year-old’s territory.

$49.99, EBX.

Expressive drawing class

The kid’s big sister wouldn’t be caught dead in a temple of capitalism, so when the family ran off to the mall, she headed for Central Avenue and The Arts Center. She opted for courses in expressive drawing over wheel-throwing, as it’s her opinion the kid needs to get in touch with himself as quickly as possible. Like that won’t happen when he blows up The Strip.

$105 for members, $120 for nonmembers, 5-6:30 p.m. Thursdays, The Arts Center, 719 Central Ave., St. Petersburg.

Movie passes

The only member of the family to remember the kid, Sheila had her present ready months ago. She couldn’t go to the mall, and she can’t give him the presents herself, but she can get him outta the way for a few hours on those “father-son bonding days.”

$10-$100, Westshore AMC 14, Westshore Plaza, Tampa.

This article appears in Nov 17-23, 2004.