I'm a happily married woman. I have a great sex life with my husband of many years. He's helped me discover things I didn't know about myself sexually. The problem: Three years ago, my first love contacted me after 23 years. He was married at the time, although he didn't want to be, and told me that he never stopped loving me. We have been having sexy e-chats ever since. My loving, GGG husband says that I can help my old flame out if I wish. What would you do in this situation?
Chick With 2 Dicks
What would I do? Besides thank my lucky stars, kiss my loving, GGG husband, and fuck the shit out of the other guy?
A few things, CW2D.
I would think hard — brainhard, not junkhard — about the potential powderkegginess of the situation. Not the powderkegginess of the having-sex-with-someone-other-than-my-husband-with-my-husband's-consent situation, but the possible-shitstorm-that-could-ensue-after-fucking-this-particular-someone-who-isn't-my-husband situation.
This Particular Someone says he's still in love with you, CW2D. That's nice. Are you still in love with TPS? If not, what happens if fucking TPS reignites dormant feelings for TPS that, oh, three years (!) of texting and sexting haven't? Even if you don't feel any more strongly for TPS after fucking him, CW2D, what if TPS decides that you really are the one-and-only love of his life and that he absolutely, positively has to have you all to himself?
TPS isn't some rando, as the kids say. You two share a history, CW2D, and TPS could present — or become — a threat to the stability of your happy, GGG marriage. So could a complete stranger you met on the street or online, of course, but the emotional stakes and potential for complications are much, much higher with TPS than they would be with some other dude.
So before you do TPS, CW2D, you need to think brainhard about these issues and discuss them at length with your husband. And if you decide to go ahead with it after hashing this shit out with your husband, CW2D, be clear with TPS about what it is you want. If all you're interested in is a friendship, some affection, and a little non-cyber sex for old time's sake — if leaving your husband, or being poly, is out of the question — TPS needs to know that before you "help him out."
(A note to everyone already composing angry e-mails about the qualified "go for it" I gave to CW2D: Yes, yes: Every couple you know who's ever had a three-way or okayed a fling wound up divorced. And that may be true — of the couples whose three-ways and flings you know about. You know lots of couples who've had three-ways and flings who aren't divorced, but you don't know you know them. Most married couples want to be perceived as monogamous even — especially! — when they're not. So your friends who aren't divorcing as the result of a disastrous fling, affair, swinging experience, three-way, etc., aren't going to tell you about all the successful flings, affairs, etc., they've enjoyed.)
Reading your column made me a supporter of the LGBT community. I get your back in formal political debates and drunken bar discussions. The LGBT community deserves equal rights, just like any other group of citizens. Period. However, I must protest Kate Bornstein's comments in a recent column. She said that sex-positive heterosexuals who support the LBGT community — guys like me and FRAUD — are not "straight" men, but "queer heterosexual" men.
Sometimes it's hard for me to get people who are not gay to support LGBT equality because they're afraid that someone will call their straightness into question. Don't make it harder.
Liberal And Straight
Being a big ol' queer myself, LAS, I viewed Kate's suggestion as a compliment. But your point is well taken, everyone gets to choose his or her own label, and you're straight in my book.
DID YOU MAKE AN "IT GETS BETTER" VIDEO? If you identify as LGBT, you're 18 years of age or older, and you made or appeared in an "It Gets Better" video, science—science!—wants to hear from you about your perspectives and experiences. If you have 15–20 minutes to spare, please take this survey: http://z.umn.edu/itgetsbetter.
This article appears in Dec 8-14, 2011.