Born To Be Mild
I waited a month to tell my family my boyfriend and I had gotten engaged because they're always hyper-critical of anyone I date. My dad refuses to go to the wedding because my fiancé didn't ask his permission before proposing. My mother doesn't want him around because he declined to participate in our family's Secret Santa gift exchange. (He hardly knew them at the time!) I now find myself tempted to end a great relationship because I can't stand the conflict. At 33, I realize dumping my fiancé to please my parents is childish, but I don't know what else to do.
-In The Middle
Ever see a really big baby being breast-fed – a baby so big you have to look twice to see whether he has a five-o'clock shadow? Some parents just can't bear to let their kids grow up.
Childhood does have its perks: free food, housing, laundry service, a chauffeur, and a weekly cash stipend. Parents are prone to refer to it as "the best years of your life" – typically, as a way of placating their 9-year-old after refusing to allow her to pierce her nostrils with a big steel bolt. This mantra also comes in handy for parents forbidding their 11-year-old from dressing like she's got a pimp; their cold, parental hearts hardened to her claim that she's the only sixth-grade girl who isn't allowed to wear patent-leather hot pants to school. Yes, unfortunately, in the autonomy department, being a kid is sometimes right up there with being a houseplant, a jailed felon or a pet.
There is a certain lack of creativity in scheduling adolescent rebellion during one's actual adolescence. Still, if you're going to cut seventh-grade algebra or sneak out to teen drinking parties, it's best not to hold off until store clerks start calling you ma'am. When, exactly, do you plan on informing your parents that you'll be crawling out from under their collective thumb? At the moment, Daddy's Little Girl is well on her way to becoming Daddy's Little Senior Citizen.
Your fiancé should know not to curse in front of your granny or ask if she's ever had a threesome. But, participate in Secret Santa or he's dead to your family forever? (What is this, the North Pole elves meet The Mob?) These unwritten rules are your family's way of short-leashing you to them like one of those toddlers you see tethered to Mommy at the mall. At a certain point (now, for example), a girl's gotta say, "Well, you're my father and I love you, and I'll be disappointed you aren't at the wedding, bu-u-ut…"
Do you really think it's wise to leap directly from three decades of childhood to aging child bride? Instead of expecting marriage to double for a lifeboat, figure out who you are and what you value, then get into the practice of standing up for it – no matter how loudly anybody screams, "Because I'm the mom, that's why!" Although you're probably about four crows' feet too late for a misspent youth, you might try your hand at a misspent middle age – having the courage to make mistakes, just as long as they're your own. For pointers, read the essay "On Self-Respect," by Joan Didion, in Slouching Towards Bethlehem.
There's a saying, "You can't go home again." This is especially true if you've never left. Your parents may reject you if you declare your independence, but, chances are (after some kicking, screaming and grumbling), they'll respect you – and start treating you accordingly. Literally leaving town, at least temporarily, will help smooth the transition. The choice is yours: Do you want to be a 45-year-old woman in pigtails, playing Barbies in her parents' attic – or are you finally ready, at age 33, to run away from home?
Resurface Judgment
I was dating this great girl, but I wasn't that physically attracted to her, so I broke things off. She recently had some "enhancements" done to her face and body, and she looks pretty hot. Would I be considered a jerk for dating her now?
-A Prettier Picture
Just about every woman you meet has had some "enhancements," but with brushes instead of knives. Men prefer pretty women – not because they're evil or want to make ugly women feel bad, but because that's what they're hard-wired to want. Of course, the exterior isn't all that matters, but it does matter. No man lusts after a woman because she remembers his ancient auntie's birthday or she's nice to kittens. This girl is well aware of that – which is why she sought out a plastic surgeon, not volunteer work at the ASPCA. Assuming you didn't say you were leaving to find somebody with more curb appeal, go back as a guy who previously couldn't commit, but is now ready (now that she's got that nice, big, saline-filled rack).
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
This article appears in Apr 27 – May 3, 2005.
