There’s an old adage, don’t fix what ain’t broke, which represents the kind of wisdom that’s completely absent from The Darkest Minds, the latest YA-novel series to be adapted into a feature film.
Given that the film is based on the first book of a trilogy authored by Alexandra Bracken, it’s clear that 20th Century Fox hopes to have a new franchise on its hands.
But, as adapted by Chad Hodge, marking his first screenplay after previously creating and writing several television shows (The Playboy Club, Wayward Pines and Good Behavior), I think it’s safe to say that we don’t have to fear being subjected to a second or third installment.
That's a shame, because I really liked The Darkest Minds — when it was first released in 1981 as Scanners, which focused on people born with amazing telekinetic gifts, namely the power to make other people’s heads explode.
Or when it was released in 1984 as Firestarter, which also focused on a young girl with mysterious abilities, namely the power to immolate objects or people with her mind.
Or even when it was released in 2012 as Chronicle, the story of three high school friends who developed extraordinary abilities after investigating a wrecked UFO.
As recently as last year, I loved The Darkest Minds when it debuted as a weekly serial called The Gifted. In fact, I fell head over heels for that fresh cast of so-called mutants, young and old, learning to survive in a world that feared their unnatural gifts, namely the ability to move objects with their minds, redirect electricity and invade the thoughts of friends and foes to create fear or compliance.
All of those iterations had characters that were well-defined, that you actually cared about and, more importantly, that you understood.
And such is the main problem with The Darkest Minds. For nearly two hours, sitting in the dark, you can’t help but thumb through your mental database to recall the better and best versions of this story that you’ve already seen.
That’s not all you think about while watching The Darkest Minds.
You think about how Hodge makes no effort whatsoever to explain the film’s premise; that 90 percent of the children across the world have suddenly died, felled by a mysterious disease that’s briefly identified as I.A.A.N.
Please don’t ask what I.A.A.N. stands for. I know it means something, but it’s said so quickly, and just once, that I couldn’t write it down in my notes.
It’s possible that I.A.A.N. is explained in Book Two or Three of Bracken’s trilogy. If you ask me, that might have been worth bumping up to this origin story, if only to give viewers some idea of what the hell is happening.
The children who survive the initial culling are immediately found to have special gifts. Some are telekinetic. Others can conduct electricity. Some become super smart, like Einstein brilliant. Then there are those who develop more dangerous gifts — like the ability to spew fireballs from their mouths, which is actually kind of cool. The most dangerous, hence the darkest, are bestowed with not one, but multiple abilities, including mind control.
Each of the abilities is assigned a color ranging from green for intelligence to orange for the most dangerous.
Our heroine, Ruby (Amanda Stenberg) is an orange. We know this because when she’s tested at an internment camp where all surviving children under the age of 18 are taken, the computer program immediately starts flashing Terminate like a desktop version of a Dalek.
Instead of spending any time examining the ramifications of thousands of youths being detained in a hellish internment camp, the film — much like our current Republican administration — chooses to ignore the obvious socio-political consequences of such a development. Seriously, would it have cost that much to throw in a few cable news talking heads debating the fallout of such a dire directive by the president (a not-orange, but equally repugnant Bradley Whitford)?
Clearly, the filmmakers, or more likely the studio executives, believe the target demographic for The Darkest Minds, namely 13-to-16-year-olds, has no understanding of what’s going on today in our world.
Even the president’s son, Clancy (Patrick Gibson), was infected, but survived. Political propaganda repeatedly appears on billboards claiming Clancy has been cured and other children can be too. That must mean there’s hope, right?
But, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Instead of lingering on the lack of due process for the survivors, the film jumps six years into the future and shows all of the gifted children slaving away in an airplane hangar making shoes. (Seriously. That’s what the government forces them to do.)
Thankfully, Mandy Moore, on hiatus from This Is Us, agreed to take on the thankless role of Dr. Cate, who secretly spearheads an underground resistance called the Children’s League, which sounds like a knock-off version of UNICEF, only with guns and a plan to build an army of freedom fighters to reclaim society from the evil adults who now fear anyone young enough to know the words to an Ariana Grande song.
Dr. Cate helps Ruby escape the internment facility because it turns out the Children’s League has been looking for an orange for years, and Ruby may well be the last one alive, which in movie-speak means she’s not the only orange left alive.
I wonder who the other orange might be? Hmmm. But, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself again.
After stopping at an abandoned gas station in West Virginia so she can change out of her prisoner garments, Ruby comes into contact with a trio of youths who have escaped from the Children’s League. They include Liam (Harris Dickinson), a hunky telekinetic who should be wearing a neon sign that says "Love Interest"; Zu (Miya Cech), a young girl who wears Playtex gloves when she’s not wielding electrical currents; and Chubs (Skylan Brooks), a brainiac whose real name is Charles. Maybe I’m just old, but I thought the nickname for Charles was Chuck?
Ruby immediately runs off with her new friends only to be immediately pursued by a bounty hunter named Lady Jane, who is played by Gwendoline Christie (Game of Thrones, Star Wars: The Last Jedi), who is either the unluckiest actress alive or who has recently been cursed with a contractual obligation to star in the most worthless film roles possible.
Lady Jane gets two scenes total, and in one of them, her mind is manipulated by Ruby, who tells Lady Jane to walk into a forest and keep walking, without stopping, forever. Fortunately, that means Christie won’t have to appear in the sequel if The Darkest Minds somehow makes any money at all in ticket sales.
Are you curious why or how there are bounty hunters assigned to track down and capture gifted kids? Well, keep wondering, because The Darkest Minds isn’t concerned with such trivial things as context or exposition.
Eventually, Liam tells Ruby that they are in search of an oasis for surviving children that was created by the most powerful gifted kid of all. His name is Slip Kid, which just might be the dumbest name ever.
Why is that his name? Because he slipped away from confinement. FML.
Being as The Darkest Minds is a YA-novel adaptation, there’s got to be a love story, right? Well, for Liam and Ruby, the road to young love means having to have conversations like this:
Liam: Trust me.
Ruby: Why should I trust you?
Liam: I don’t care whether you trust me or not!
If I was still 16, I would dickpunch anybody who thought that’s how my generation actually talked.
Oh, I forgot to mention a key piece of the plot. Early on, back before my brain cells began drying up and withering away, I wrote down in my notes: Why don’t Ruby’s parents remember who she is?
That’s actually kind of important, and it’s one of the few mysteries that the movie bothers to explain. You see, Ruby is a super-special kind of orange. She can literally strip away memories by going into someone’s mind and erasing any knowledge that person had of her. She uses this gift to erase herself from her parents’ minds once she realizes that she has become infected with I.A.A.N., and just before armed CDC guards arrive to whisk her away.
One might think that such a gift would come in handy during the big climatic battle at the super-secret hideout that Slip Kid has created in a remote part of a forest, which honestly resembles an unsupervised rave minus the good drugs.
One would be wrong, again.
I’m sure the location of the super-secret hideout must be important, but seeing as how the movie moves so quickly through several states, I don’t know where it’s actually located. And, to be honest, by that point, I had basically stopped taking notes after realizing I was just scribbling This sucks over and over.
But I digress. I was going to tell you about the big climax, which is nearly as unclimactic as the night I lost my virginity, which is actually a better story than The Darkest Minds.
You see, The Darkest Minds doesn’t go out with a bang. Oh no. The big final fight happens about 15 minutes before the credits roll.
How the movie ends, instead, is with an impossible choice and a treacly farewell designed to extract a few tears from anyone under the age of 12 who has ever had their wubby taken away as punishment, followed by the least inspiring call to arms imaginable, in which Ruby is forced to assume the mantle of the poster child for the Children’s League.
If you’ve ever attended a pep rally on the eve of the big football game with the evil cross-town rival high school, it’s safe to say you felt more energized then than you will at the close of The Darkest Minds.
Long story short, stay home this weekend and binge The Gifted.
At least then you’re guaranteed to be entertained by solid writing, impressive special effects and relatable characters dealing with genuine human drama.
John W. Allman has spent more than 25 years as a professional journalist and writer, but he’s loved movies his entire life. Good movies, awful movies, movies that are so gloriously bad you can’t help but champion them. Since 2009, he has cultivated a review column and now a website dedicated to the genre films that often get overlooked and interviews with cult cinema favorites like George A. Romero, Bruce Campbell and Dee Wallace. Contact him at Blood Violence and Babes.com, on Facebook @BloodViolenceBabes or on Twitter @BVB_reviews.
This article appears in Aug 2-9, 2018.