THE HORROR! I normally try to keep this column light, focusing on the ridiculous instead of the awful. However, this week's batch of reports of T.P.D. was brutal. What follows are three of the ugliest reports I have ever received.
THE GAS LEAK: The Tampa fire department responded to an apartment on Duquesne Drive, where painters at the site reported they smelled "propane gas." A Hazmat team was called in to ventilate the home, which contained a "level of carbon monoxide 15 times the lethal limit." Once the air cleared, officers discovered two dead cats in the apartment and a deceased man locked in his car in the garage. Further investigation revealed the man had recently had a string of "traumatic incidents" including a divorce and the death of a parent. At this point, the cause of death is officially undetermined, but the report wraps up with "There were no signs of foul play."
THE TRAFFIC STOP: After pulling a car over at Adamo Drive and Orient Road, the occupant of the car "advised [the officer] she had a gas can and a lighter." The woman then "rolled her window up and began pouring gas over herself." While the cop backed away and grabbed his fire extinguisher, the driver "used the lighter to ignite herself." The car then rolled forward and the woman fell out, where "an unknown citizen ran up with a jacket and put the flames out." The woman was transported to Tampa General with burns over 35 percent of her body. A suicide note was found in the charred auto.
THE WORST: I sometimes do an Asshole Of The Week, but this guy has a shot at Asshole Of The Decade. The suspect in this case went to his ex-girlfriend's house and entered using a key he still had. The man got into a verbal fight with the woman, which soon escalated to a brawl. The man head-butted his ex in the face, bloodying her nose, then knocked her to the ground and locked all the doors to the house. Knowing that the woman was pregnant with his child, the man then punched her in the stomach several times before throwing her on the bed and attempting to rape her "both with his penis and with a foreign object." Fortunately, it ends well. The woman was able to get away, grab a knife and stab the motherfucker "at least twice" before escaping to a neighbor's and calling police.
From the files of the T.P.D.
This article appears in Mar 28 – Apr 3, 2007.