I've received a number of emails from readers seeking advice on sex and the swinger lifestyle. Here are a few that represent pretty common problems.
Mr. X: I have been married for seven years and wife was a virgin when we got married. She was never a particularly sexual person and I am the complete opposite. I was an occasional swinger pre-marriage. I felt sexual energy running rampant in all aspects of my life. I adore my wife but plainly stated she is an awful kisser, gives terrible blowjobs, and simply is no fun in bed. You can't say that to her and she doesn't have the instinctual I want to experiement and get better at this gene that likely you and I have. What can I do to make our time together better without hurting her feelings?
Rebecca: You need to guide her, which may put her off sometimes. But, she needs to understand that all men are different when it comes to sex. Some like blowjobs with hand strokes and others don't. Some like it fast and others like it slow and hard. Showing her how it feels best doesn't mean she is doing it wrong; you're just showing her what feels best for you.
Kissing is easy. Tell her to be still and let you do all the work. Many times this will show her how you like to kiss and she will mimic you.
During sex, use your hands and move her hips where you want her. Again, you just have to take control, which many women find attractive, especially in bed.
Mr. G: How do you ask your wife to try swinging?
Rebecca: This isn't something you suddenly thrust on your spouse/significant other. Your partner should show some basic interest in sex with other people, even if it's just in fantasy, before you can even think about talking honestly about swinging. Test the waters by first just talking about swinging, or an open relationship, though only in terms of other couples. Maybe even rent a movie that features swingers as a way to open up the discussion.
My relationship grew into swinging. It started with discussions about the 'forgiven list'—a list of celebrities we could each sleep with, without the other partner getting angry. From there, we started discussing friends and acquaintances we each found sexually attractive. The final plunge came when we talked about the notion of partner swapping. Openness and honesty is very important when thinking about joining the swinging lifestyle. But, unfortunately, it's not for everyone.
Ms. B: It seems many swinging couples consist of a hot woman and an average guy. What do you do when your husband is really into her but you aren't into him?
Rebecca: We both must agree on the couple as a whole or it just doesn't happen. Neither of us expect Ken and Barbie, but there are many things that make people attractive. Looks are very important in this lifestyle, but confidence, personality, and sense of humor also play important roles.
Loosen up. Stop looking for Mr. Perfect; you're already with him. Look for Mr. Right Now!
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This article appears in Jan 13-19, 2010.