Remember when Alec Baldwin ripped his pre-teen daughter a new one via voicemail? Or when the St. Pete cops sliced and diced that tent city? How about when O.J. got arrested — again? Fortunately for the smart-asses who write Creative Loafing's weekly Short List (aka "News bites with teeth"), the year just past provided a wealth of headlines like these — which meant that we had plenty of material to make jokes about.
Ah, 2007. The presidential campaign, sports scandals, the war in Iraq, the 20-something Girls Gone Wild spectacle of Brit, Paris, Lindsay and Nicole. Scorsese finally winning an Oscar. Bob Hite getting nailed for DUI. Bart Simpson flashing his willy on the big screen.
It was truly a year to remember. Before we get too far into 2008, here is the Best of Short List 2007.
JANUARY
MARILYN MANSON SINGLE AGAIN
He's back on the market, girls. Or boys.
JEB BUSH'S LEGACY, ST. PETE TIMES VERSION
"At 6-4, Bush towered over Florida's political scene, both literally and figuratively."
JEB BUSH'S LEGACY, REALITY-CHECK VERSION
Soaring property taxes. Artificially high housing prices. Insurance crisis. The Terry Schiavo fiasco. More partisanship in appointing judges and other officials. Schools mired at the bottom of national rankings. Outsourcing government work and taxpayer dollars without adequate oversight.
FDA SAYS CLONED ANIMALS OK FOR FOOD
Test subjects, however, eventually report a sense of déjà vu, saying that they had "eaten this meal before."
TODAY SHOW PLANS EXPANSION
In ratings bid, fourth hour will feature Al Roker in ass-less chaps.
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
Blah blah blah frikkidy blah blah.
FEBRUARY
TONY DUNGY
Despite weeklong push by St. Pete Times for sainthood designation, coach Dungy settles for winning the Super Bowl.
MITT ROMNEY HECKLED OVER MORMON FAITH
Christian zealot in the audience silenced by four of presidential candidate's 12 wives.
OREGON SNORKELER SHOT IN FACE, 'MISTAKEN' FOR GIANT RODENT
Was Dick Cheney in the Pacific Northwest this past weekend??
CONTROVERSIAL CHILDREN'S BOOK USES WORD 'SCROTUM'
What did you expect in Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Wrinkled Nut Sack?
NASCAR, HARLEQUIN SIGN DEAL
"Her eyes locked on his rugged face, she slid her hands up his muscle-rippled thighs as he made another of his seemingly endless left turns."
JAMES CAMERON 'FINDS' TOMB OF JESUS
Does this mean we don't get to bite the heads off of chocolate rabbits once a year anymore?
VILSACK DROPS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE
Well, well, this changes everything.
MARCH
PARIS, NICOLE TO BECOME WEIGHT-LOSS COUNSELORS
"Puke. Rinse. Repeat."
LEGISLATIVE SEASON STARTS
Good news: Legislators can't accept campaign contributions during the 60-day session. Bad news: Now they begin screwing with state laws.
NEWT CHEATED
Gingrich acknowledges extramarital affair during Clinton impeachment; says the relationship took his mind off his meth habit and porno addiction.
COMING OUT
Steve Stanton hasn't even had sex reassignment surgery yet and already his bosses are treating him like a female employee.
THE IRAQ WAR
Happy Fourth Anniversary to you, Happy Fourth Anniversary to you …
TRAVOLTA SPEAKS AT ST. PETE SCIENTOLOGY CENTER
In rare moment of reflection, apologizes for Battlefield Earth, Face/Off, Staying Alive, The Punisher, Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too, Look Who's Talking Now …
APRIL
DONALD TRUMP VS. VINCE MCMAHON
Loser-has-head-shaved wrestling match outcome was moot: The Donald's hair is impervious to any known blade or substance, 10x harder than diamond.
SANJAYA VS. ANYONE
Loser-keeps-winning controversy is moot: Sanjaya and his hairstyles are impervious to any known logic or talent measure, 10x harder than Cowell.
OBAMA SPEAKS
The O-Train rolls into Ybor City for a crowd of 2,000; Cuban Club atmosphere like Tropical Heatwave (without the dope).
BORIS YELTSIN, 1931-2007
We fellow vodka drinkers salute you.
FLAMING LIPS AT JANNUS
Still picking the confetti out of our unmentionables.
FLAMING ASSHOLE ON THE RADIO
Bye-bye, Don Imus.
DUKE RAPE CASE DROPPED
CNN, Nancy Grace, MSNBC, Fox News all reported inconsolable about the gap in programming.
FCC COMING TO TOWN
Here's our question for the commissioners: Why the hell does TV Land play so many Andy Griffith Show and Good Times reruns? How about forcing them to mix in a Get Smart occasionally?
ALEC BALDWIN VOICE MAIL
Tells his daughter, "Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy."
MAY
ST. PETE BUDGET CUTS
Mayor Baker announces he'll axe Police Department's Tent-Slashing-Knives Fund.
TIMES PUTS SUSAN STANTON 1A ON MOTHER'S DAY
Editors are secretly working on lining up a shot of Rosie O'Donnell for Father's Day.
AIR AMERICA SET FOR RELAUNCH
Switch to "All Zeppelin, All the Time" format should give it a kick-start.
THE YIDDISH POLICEMAN'S UNION
Michael Chabon writes the must-read book of 2007.
FALLING MAN
Don DeLillo writes the must-pretend-to-have-read book of 2007
CARTER BASHES BUSH
Jimmy is upset that Dubya finally passed him as the worst president of the past 50 years.
JUNE
DEMOCRATIC DEBATE
A 90-minute argument over who was for the war before they were against it.
PARIS TO WALTERS: GOD HAS RELEASED ME FROM BEING DUMB
God to Walters: I've done no such thing.
SPACE STATION COMPUTER PROBLEMS
Mission control: "OK, now try rebooting the computer while holding down the Control button? You already did that? Nothing happened? Shit."
FANTASTIC FOUR
Why couldn't Jessica Alba's superpower be that only her clothing is invisible?
APPLE USED MODEL WITH BIG HANDS TO MAKE IPHONE SEEM SMALLER
Then shouldn't Hooters be hiring flat-chested waitresses to make their wings seem meatier?
JULY
NANCY GRACE IS PREGGERS
Father's head eaten whole, victory for praying mantises everywhere.
JOB CUTS
Tampa axes key arts and historic preservation officials. Two areas where the city is well ahead of the curve. Ahem.
TRIB CRITICAL OF TAMPA LAYOFFS
Story questions the wisdom of keeping workers on for another 90 days. Unlike the Tribune's own layoffs that ushered 70 of its employees to the door immediately.
ABC FILM CRITIC JOEL SIEGEL DIES
"The must-see obit of the summer!" —Ebert and Roeper.
KEY WEST SIDES WITH HEMINGWAY SIX-TOED CATS IN FEDERAL DISPUTE
They were cats that lived in the old house where the man once wrote. They were good cats. They were cats with six toes. The cats with six toes were good, and the men who ran the island city were good as well.
MUSLIM CONGRESSMAN LIKENS BUSH TO HITLER
Statement provokes a strong rebuke from Hitlerphiles.
1 IN 12 U.S. WORKERS ADMIT DAILY DRUG USE
How in the hell do the other 11 make it through the workday?
NORTH KOREA SHUTTERS NUCLEAR REACTOR
Pyonyang issues statement: "Turns out we've got more than enough weapons-grade plutonium now, so we're more than glad to comply with international demands to close this facility. Thank you for your kind attention to this matter."
AGING NYC STEAMPIPE EXPLODES
If al-Qaida really wants to kill Americans, it should just stand back and let our inadequate traffic system and aging urban infrastructure do the job for it.
UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA TIGHTENS ADMISSIONS STANDARDS
Applicants must be able to dunk with both hands, throw 80 yards from their knees and bench 240.
AUGUST
BAD THAI COPS MUST WEAR "HELLO KITTY" ARMBANDS
U.S. counters by forcing disobedient little girls to carry semi-automatic weapons.
BUDGET CUTS
Hillsborough County comes up with new simplified formula for painful budget cuts: Approve — anything to do with sports. Cut — anything to do with poor kids, independent cable programming or environmental protection.
FLORIDA DEMOCRATS TO BE STRIPPED OF DELEGATES
It's OK; Florida Democrats are used to their votes not counting.
BONDS AND THE HOME RUN RECORD
That asterisk is almost as big as his head.
TAMPA ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION VOTE
Out: All those white ibis habitats, hurricane buffers, aquifer filters and anti-flooding ponds. In: Wetlands Acres Estates, priced from the $800,000s!
SCIENTISTS: ARTIFICIAL LIFE 3-10 YEARS AWAY
Those researchers obviously haven't spent a Friday night at Whiskey SoHo.
PREACHERS RANDY AND PAULA WHITE TO DIVORCE
Separation agreement details that Randy gets God on alternating weekends and for two weeks every summer.
KARL ROVE TO STEP DOWN
"The economy wrecked. The war in Iraq lost. The entire Middle East ready to blow up. The U.S. more hated than ever. and our own Constitution in tatters," said The Architect. "My work here is done."
SEPTEMBER
O.J. ARRESTED
Therapists agree that by not slitting his robbery victims' throats, he is making solid progress toward rehabilitation.
GRAND JURY CRITICIZES PINELLAS APPRAISER'S LAND DEAL
Yeah, but that ain't getting us our tax dollars back, is it?
ACTOR PLAYING BRUTUS IN COLORADO PRODUCTION OF JULIUS CAESAR ACCIDENTALLY STABS HIMSELF
"Et tu, myself?"
ST. PETE ELECTIONS
Record turnout — at the Emerald for a beer and a shot.
MARCEL MARCEAU, 1923-2007
"Walking Against the Wind" is clearly out, but he can still do "Mime Trapped in a Box."
O.J. ARRESTED, II
Will spend his jail time writing draft of new book, If I Did It Again.
FRED THOMPSON SWINGS THROUGH FLORIDA, VISITS GUN SHOWS
To the delight of GOP supporters, the actor-candidate wounds two Democrats in the leg with a .44.
FORMER BUC SHELTON QUARLES NAMED HEAD OF REGIONAL TRANSPORTATION BOARD
Because in trying to come up with a solution to our traffic mess, you really want someone familiar with the Cover 2.
NASA WANTS TO PUT A MAN ON MARS BY 2037
Not a live man, mind you.
OCTOBER
KANSAS CHURCH WANTS ASSURANCES FROM CLAY AIKEN THAT HE'S NOT GAY BEFORE BOOKING HIM
We're speechless. On so many different levels.
PHIL SPECTOR TRIAL ENDS IN HUNG JURY
Half of the jurors believed he was "not playing with a full deck," while other half wouldn't budge from assertion he was "crazy as a shit-house rat."
SEN. LARRY CRAIG TO BE INDUCTED INTO IDAHO HALL OF FAME
Instead of applause at the ceremony, audience members will just tap their feet.
DAVID COPPERFIELD DENIES "FORCING HIMSELF" ON A WOMAN
His agent explains the Vegas regular was merely performing one of his most famous tricks: "The Hidden Salami."
NOVEMBER
USF FOOTBALL
Meteoric rise, meteoric fall. Just the kind of storyline the sports media loves and would never have a hand in manufacturing.
STUDY: SEX, DANGER AND INJURY TWICE AS LIKELY FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS MIXING ENERGY DRINKS, BOOZE
Of course, to be fair, the study also found some downsides.
NORMAN MAILER, 1923-2007
He was looking forward to the afterlife so he could finally sleep with Marilyn and cold-cock Capote.
PAKISTAN LEADER IMPOSES NEAR-MARTIAL LAW
For anyone wondering what $10 billion worth of good ol' U.S. democracy-building buys you.
BOB HITE CHARGED WITH DUI
"For more information on my arrest, log on to tbo.com."
DECEMBER
WOLFOWITZ ASKED TO HEAD INT'L SECURITY ADVISORY BOARD
Isn't that a bit like asking Jessica Sierra to be your designated driver?
RON PAUL SUPPORTERS ACCUSE ROMNEY OF STEALING MOCK ELECTION
Thus proving that Mitt Romney is, indeed, prepared to be the Republican nominee for president.
CRACKDOWN AT BREVARD NUDE BEACH
Remind us to ask Sal the Copy Editor if "crackdown" is one or two words in this case.
WRITERS' STRIKE FORCES MOVE TO REALITY SHOWS
Coming to CBS in January: America's Next Great Accountant.
This article appears in Jan 2-8, 2008.