Anything FedExed to me with “Big” and “Black” printed on the package automatically sparks a certain amount of fear and curiosity. The eight inch promo product that flopped out of the box didn't disappoint, offering as much novelty pleasure as practical application. The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words is an essential tool for any under-qualified sex writer, obnoxious sports fan, or basically anyone who gets tired of saying fuckhead. The Big Black Book is ideal for short spurts of reading, like those done on the toilet while getting a blumpkin (receiving oral sex while taking a dump). It’s also the perfect masculine and non-porn holiday gift for your college roommate. While he may not necessarily start jackin’ the beanstalk to this book, it will at least give him plenty of new words to impress friends and family with over Christmas when they ask what he learned at college. It will also probably be the only reference book he actually reads.
Many of the words are menglish phrases derived from the male impulse to make offensive comments covertly while hunting women with hinged heels or pointing out that airplane blonde (a blonde who still has a little black box) whose donut they want to glaze. i.e. "Check out that whale tail (a thong sticking out of a woman’s jeans) by the bar. Or at the beach one guy may be so obsessed with a woman's shark fin (camel toe in a swim suit) that his buddy must point out her accompanying tiger stripes (stretch marks).
Unfortunately a profanity dictionary can never be comprehensive. With the right stresses you can pretty much use any word to refer to your dick or sex, i.e "Gary Coleman just wasn't tall enough to perform well in Different Strokes." In addition to more words, the expanded edition of The Big Black Book should include illustrations so users can accurately identify sascrotchs, bacon strips, danglers, and growlers; when face deep in a fish taco it's difficult to accurately distinguish the specific subspecies of vagina you're dealing with.
Some of the more fertile areas for profane euphemisms, sex organs and acts, received long lists of synonyms. The most creative category was masturbation: to answer the bone, bash the bishop, backstroke roulette, batting practice, changing the oil, charm the cobra, clean the rifle, crown the king, devil’s handshake, dishonorable discharge, getting in touch with your manhood, hand to gland combat, hands-on training, measure for condoms…
While the list of synonyms for beef hammer was the longest, the terms lacked a certain creative aesthetic, perhaps because most any word, or collection of nonsensical sounds, can refer to your dingis: chep, coque, doinker, foo-foo, gadoon, goot, heli, hoftie, kontol, kur, murton, pene, pik, songe, wii, wonk… Women need to be more proactive in coming up with names for the different types of dicks they encounter, like penicorn (a mythic big dick) or pweenis (tiny penis). In my opinion, fun bags fared far better with such delightful descriptors as babaloos, bongos, man pacifiers, milk duds, flesh bombs, hand warmers, lactoids, personalities, sauce shelf, and umlauts. As usual the goolies (nuts) were mostly ignored. However, the perineum received a surprising amount of attention, though I suspect this is because most people don't know the clinical term for the smelly bridge between your genitals and asshole politely referred to as the taint, barse, gooch, or grundle.
In a culture where legal battles still rage over gay rights, you would think derogatory homosexual terms would be in abundance. But to be honest I was a bit jealous that homosexual men had so many words to describe specific types of dandies: bender, bear, Bruce, buff puff, chicken hawk, effie, Ganymede, nancy, twink, woofter… Few if any of these words derived from homophobic men; straight men aren’t clever enough, or insightful enough, to notice the different shades of the rainbow or to invent names that aren't blatantly offensive. Even the ambisextrous had cool names like agnosexual and happy shopper. I wish straight men had more terms to describe us instead of generic douchebag words like himbo and mimbo. The best exception to this trend is “janitor,” which refers to the male friend who's willing to take out the trash by voluntarily throwing himself on, and even performing some pug noshing (cunnilingus) with, the DUFF (the designated ugly, fat friend in every female group).
The main problem I had with The Big Black Book was that I experienced a phenomenon many people have when reading about various medical ailments; I kept thinking I had sexual kinks like aquaohilia (fetish involving water or swimming), olfactophilia (arousal from smells), asiaphile (Asians). Then I found myself wanting to try some of the stranger sexual acts, if only to say such things to my buddies as, "So I was bag piping this condom dispenser's armpit when she tried to ignite my afterburner." I also took issue with the tone of the descriptions of some of the fetishes like algoglania, which was defined as “a sexual disorder in which pleasure is derived from pain.” How dare a book on profanity be politically incorrect by describing fetishes as disorders. If fetishists are perverts, then the author Alexis Munier and all her yupster (hipster yuppie) readers are freaks for getting off on narratophilia (sexual arousal from dirty talk).
If there's one thing I learned from this book, it's that everyone is a freak, and there's a specific name for whatever brand you are in The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words.
Buy your own copy of The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words at Adamsmedia.com
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This article appears in Nov 4-10, 2010.