I’ve been harboring some resentment against the rest of my family for not aligning with my values. I still love them and want them in my life, but it’s becoming harder and harder to suppress my frustration when I’m with them for extended periods of time. I’ve accepted that I don’t expect them to change at this point in their lives, but despite that acceptance, I guess I still don’t exactly know how to engage with them when I feel I have to bite my tongue about some of my/their beliefs. It feels like I can’t be my authentic self around them. Cards got any tips?—Black Sheep
Cards: Ten of Cups (reversed), Ten of Wands (reversed), King of Wands (reversed), Ace of Wands (reversed), The High Priestess
Jumper: Two of Swords
Dear Black Sheep,
When shuffling cards, occasionally, one or two will tumble out. I use a pendulum to see if they’re meant for the reading or if I’m just clumsy, but for you, the Two of Swords jumped out early and was meant to be read. As Tarot writer and Floridian Corinne Kenner says, “If it falls to the floor, it comes to the door,” meaning it’s a card of the present.
The Two of Swords is a card of the crossroads, particularly of the mind. You know that you can’t go on biting your tongue and masking what you believe because it’s not sustainable. Masks always slip. The fear is, of course, that you’ll cut your own head off if you let your true self be known. But a sword will fall. It’s good to prepare now for hard conversations.
For the current situation, I have no doubt that you love your family or that your family loves you. As the reversed Ten of Cups, I think there is a deep love that transcends the intellect—as most love does. It also makes me wonder if there was a time when you fell into the party line of thinking, as most children do. But I think it’s been a long time since you were in harmony with them. This is not a new issue that popped up over the past election but something that has grown for years (if not decades.)Your family isn’t ignorant of this tension. They absolutely feel it, too. As the Ten of Wands reversed, this is a heavy load that you’ve all been caring for a long time. But, the Ten of Wands rarely just appears. That bundle of sticks is built, one by one, and might be a result of never actually addressing a problem—like how you have such different values.
I’ve talked about the wands as a passionate suit, but it’s also a spiritual one. Values are spiritual; they are our understanding of ourselves, how the world works, how we should exist in it, and how we should treat others. It’s the code of our lives. While those values can feel inalienable, we all arrive at our beliefs somehow.
However, if you never talk about why you believe what you believe, then there is no chance for engagement. There is no gently pushing back, no challenging. It’s all swept under the rug, which—let’s be honest here—never works out in a healthy way.
With the King of Wands, I think the place to start is by talking to the masculine authority figure whose values and presence influence the rest of the family unit, who may be set in their ways but who can speak about their values from a place of great thought—probably your dad.
This wouldn’t be a conversation between a parent and child but between two Kings of Wands. You have to approach it as a conversation between equals. This might be harder on your dad—aren’t we always children in our parents eyes?—but draw him in by explaining what you think, what you feel, and ask what he thinks of that. He might push back on you, and you might push back on him, but I think he’ll be open to the challenge.
No matter what, you’ll have to move forward as The Intellectual Individual, as shown in the Ace of Swords. The mask will have to fall. It might be uncomfortable for your family, but it’s not a discomfort they can’t handle. You shouldn’t bite your tongue—but remember to be tactful.
People don’t respond well if they think they’re being attacked, so don’t just call your dad an asshole. But, if he says something that seems judgmental or cruel, you can ask without the heat of an argument, “That seems a little judgmental/cruel to me. Why do you think that?” You can offer your differing opinion and the reason for that. You can keep these in the realm of “intellectual debate/thought experiment” at first if you think your family would shut down at the slight pushback and build from there.
But your values aren’t thought experiments. They are actions you take in your daily life. As The High Priestess, you feel deeply a part of the human race. Your connection to others cannot be severed. You’re spiritual in the sense that you’re concerned about things of the spirit—compassion, love, expression—and to hide these things is to dim the bright light of your heart. You cannot be your authentic self while hiding fundamental facts of your character.
It’s a bold move to go against our family’s belief system because it invites the most primordial fear of being rejected by them. But for you, my dear, I do look back at that Ten of Cups and hope that the original love is still there. It might be challenging for them; they might pull away or be passive-aggressive, or refuse to look at what they swept under the rug. But I don’t think your family will reject you outright for your values.
On the contrary, I think if that sword falls, it’ll be you who cuts them off.
Before arriving at that point, give both them and yourself the opportunity to be honest about who you are.
It’s not an easy choice, but I hope it’s rewarding.
Best of luck, my dear.
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This article appears in May 15-21, 2025.