I am a firm believer that people should come with ingredients lists — you know, so you can check their labels before deciding whether or not they would make good friends, co-workers, spouses, hairdressers, mechanics etc. For example, I think my own list would look something like this:
Michelle Hurd’s ingredients: Intelligent, quirky, sensitive, slightly introverted, young female, a bit neurotic, but very caring and sincere, she will have your back as long as you have hers. She will always respect you unless you disrespect her (and even then most people get more than one chance), may contain traces of bitchiness (usually hormone and stress-induced), extremely strong opinions, and a tad amount of stubbornness (okay, the husband says more than just a tad).
If everyone had these lists you would know what you were getting into. The problem is that most people don’t wear their ingredients lists on their sleeves, especially if their lists contain the human personality equivalents of evil trans-fats or high salt content (thank you Dr. Oz). Instead you are presented with ingredients lists that you have to decode over time. Sometimes they can be decoded instantly (think…that drunken guy at the bar starting a fight with every person who walks by and copping a feel on every girl he lays eyes on, all while his girlfriend is sitting at home), and other times the process takes months or even years. Here are some standard ingredients lists that I personally try to stay away from:
“All about me ingredients”: Loud, obnoxious, cocky males or females who continuously talk about themselves and their achievements ad nauseam, without once acknowledging your existence, because they are entirely too busy recounting their own; i.e. classic narcissist.
“Absolutely no self-worth ingredients”: Generally female, but I’m sure there are male equivalents. Laughs entirely too loudly at your husband's jokes and can’t seem to keep her hands off him , wears an incredible amount of eye makeup and a foundation that clearly doesn’t match her “Magda-style” tanning-salon skin tone. Generally smokes Virginia Slims extra, extra long, and enjoys several glasses of boxed wine; i.e. classic Cruella DeVille-style tramp.
While the above ingredients lists are pretty straightforward and recognizable within minutes, it is the following lists that people should be on the lookout for even after several years:
“Troll with a halo ingredients”: A manipulative bitch to the core; she will pretend to be your friend as long as she is getting whatever she needs from the situation. She will invite you to be privy to the intimate details of her life to get you to divulge your own details, then find your weak spots and expose them to the world with her own negative embellishments. Will definitely contain traces of backstabbing, lying and general ugliness.
"Sad, alone, paranoid ingredients": This person is out for fame and fortune and will demolish any and all relationships in her path to get there. Usually marked by cloyingly sweet sincerity in the beginning (to see if there is anything to gain from you), then criticism, paranoia and assumptions set in. They become afraid and eventually can’t even make eye contact or deal with confrontation of any kind. Fake, fake, fake…usually obsessed with image and very vain.
I'm sure many of you may be thinking, "Oh yeah, I know that person…" or "That reminds me of so-and-so…" If that is the case then take note of the contents of those lists and prepare to look for the signs, recognize them in the future and guard your hearts accordingly. The next time you meet someone, think about your ingredients list and what you want people to know you contain, be true to that list and true to yourself. If you happen to come across a troll in your future, trust in the fact that karma comes with an ingredients list of her own.
Let's go ahead and add "is PMS'ing and has a head cold" to my list this week…watch out!
The Unemployed Housewife
This article appears in Feb 10-16, 2010.