"How could you not know?"

I get that question fairly often when people learn that I didn't figure out that I'm bi until I was 26. Well, sexuality isn't that simple. Although I always have believed that sexuality and orientation have to do with genetics or something else fundamentally engrained into a person and that someone doesn't merely "choose" to be gay, it isn't even just as simple as genetics. We are not raised in a bubble. Whether we like it or not, we are affected by our society, culture and social norms. We live in a straight-by-default society and are not taught to openly examine our sexuality to find who we truly are, who we are naturally attracted to and what kind of relationships we want to have. Instead, we are raised in the Barbie and Ken, Mickey and Minnie society. One boy, one girl, and that's that.

Just as we are taught words and language to better express our thoughts and feelings, we are taught a more silent language as well. We are taught how to perceive ourselves and what is considered as normal and that we should try to follow the generally accepted ways of life. If we are not taught how to speak, we would have a difficult time understanding ourselves and the world around us and would have a hard time expressing ourselves to others. However, that does not mean that we wouldn't have the same feelings and thoughts — we just wouldn't know how to express them. Likewise, if we are not taught to explore ourselves beyond the accepted mainstream norms, we may not even realize all that there inside of us or how to express it.

I have heard from numerous bisexual people who did not figure out that they like both sexes until later in life. I am not alone. From an early age we are encouraged in straight behavior, even if no one realizes that they are doing it. One reader commented on one of my previous blogs that at an early age, she had a crush on both a boy and a girl, but the crush on the boy was the one that was encouraged. She, too, didn't "figure out" and come to terms with her bisexuality until much later. For both of us, in retrospect we can look back and our bisexuality is obvious all the way back to kindergarten. From where I stand now, it's easy to ask myself, "How could I not have known?"

This article appears in Sep 9-15, 2010.