1. Get high. Put ham in oven. Begin Black Mirror marathon. Become impatient. Eat half-raw ham. Regain some self-composure. Return ham to oven you forgot to turn off. Finish Black Mirror marathon. Get high. Eat burnt ham, then rest comfortably.

2. Go to only cool restaurant holding an anti-Black Friday brunch with $15 bottomless mimosas. Find yourself disappointed by local-boar-sausage-with-fennel-and-gruyere omelet while drinking approximately $56 in mimosas. Go home and spend four hours writing, editing, posting and creeping on the results of 3,000-word Yelp review of the omelet. Order terrible, shitty, borderline-inedible Chinese food for dinner. Don’t Yelp about the Chinese food.

3. Retrieve painting supplies from under unfinished needlepoint project and DIY silkscreening apparatus. Travel to inspiringly picturesque nearby location. Invest the time and effort necessary to determine unequivocally that there should be a law against your attempting to paint, the violation of which is punishable by forced trepanation.

4. Five words: BOOZE DELIVERY APP CANNONBALL RUN

5. Stage impromptu yard sale. Ply those unpleasant neighbors you know hate one another with free Corona Light until they fight at yard sale. Record fight. Post to YouTube with title “Homemade Black Friday Brawl FTW.” Profit. Consider it a statement on contemporary mores, and sleep soundly.

This article appears in Nov 24 – Dec 1, 2016.