Good morrow. How was your Day of Jupiter?
Two idiotic Pasco teens could be charged with a crime after posting video online of themselves basically terrorizing a 9-year-old girl by chasing her. There are certain rules regarding age and interaction, and when you break them, you end up looking at best like a moron and at worst like a pervert. One of those rules is if you're 18, don't go anywhere near a 9-year-old you're not related to or don't know well enough to babysit — and that second one only if you're female. I wouldn't have thought someone might need to be told that.
Protip: If you're gonna rob a bank, have a better getaway plan than stepping onto a bus with your ill-gotten gains shoved into your underwear.
That drunken bigoted asshole who went viral yesterday for screaming "Trump will stop you" at an Arab family that just wanted to spend a day at the Texas beach? Yeah, he cried when they booked him for public intoxication. MAGA, dude. MAGA.
And finally, Chad the Tampa police horse is retiring after 13 years on the job. Can you guess what he said when asked if he'd miss working with the cops to clean up the streets of Tampa? Can you guess? It was "neigh." He said "neigh." OK, I'll go now, but I'm not the one who named a horse freaking "Chad."
This article appears in May 11-18, 2017.