Happy National Garlic Day! Nothing turns the concept of every day being a holiday from “awesome on paper and in song lyrics” to “wow, this is really kind of existentially sad” like living in a young-ish modern nation that doesn’t value history and will put advertising on literally anything. Oh, and if you live in certain parts of Pinellas County, drought-driven watering restrictions kick in today; please don’t just switch to watering your lawn at night, because it doesn’t make your activities invisible, but it does make you a selfish buttock pustule.
South Florida Republican state senator Frank Artiles used racist language in a heated conversation with some of his colleagues, got called out, and apologized, because that’s all anyone expects a racist politician to do these days. Artiles is scheduled to formally grovel for forgiveness on the floor of the senate today, which means it’s time to play “Who’s Gonna Be A Bigotry Apologist?” Watch them tweets and vote accordingly — and by “accordingly,” we obviously mean “according to whether or not you’re racist.”
Speaking of “well, duh,” the Florida state senate passed a bill requiring the Department of Environmental Protection — that’s a government body with the word “Protection” right there in the title — to notify the public “promptly” when a spill or other potentially environmentally harmful incident occurs. Yeah, it’s come to that: having to make laws to try to threaten state departments into doing what they’re supposed to do. Cyndi Lauper was right, money does indeed change everything.
And finally, sportswear company Adidas publicly apologized for forgetting that 2013 happened at all when it sent out emails yesterday congratulating runners in the 2017 Boston Marathon for “surviving” the race. Oof. OOF. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF. It’s almost — ALMOST — enough to make you feel bad for whoever hit SEND, because that person’s next job is likely gonna be posting shit like “10 Heart-Healthy Snacks That Won’t Bust Your Budget (Or Your Waistline)” to social media next National Garlic Day.
This article appears in Apr 13-20, 2017.
