And a single, brilliant star rose in the east, more vibrant than the rest, as if like a beacon.
"What's that?" asked Gary, as the star's immaculate light struck him with the intensity of a thousand white-hot suns.
"Probably viral marketing," said Rodney, and went back to learning to play "Smoke On The Water" on his hammered dulcimer.
Gawker published a partial list of the seriously bonkers things people tried to carry/conceal on flights this year, only to have them confiscated by the TSA. In addition to the cavalcade of knives (my favorite was hidden in an enchilada), drugs and a wholly inordinate number of sword canes were a decommissioned warhead, a spear gun, a cannon barrel and something called a "WWII blasting machine." Now think about all those tests in which TSA security missed like half the shit the testers brought through, and enjoy your Christmastime travels!
Defensive tackle Gerald McCoy became the sole Bucs player chosen for this year's Pro Bowl. It's his third straight season being chosen; the league was reportedly on the fence about bringing him back, but McCoy pointed to his recent $98 million contract extension with the Bucs as proof he won't try to stow away in another team's gear after the game again this year.
A Hillsborough Salvation Army volunteer going through recent donations found gold bars and jewelry folded into a pile of clothes given anonymously. The Salvation Army and Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office are hoping to be contacted by the gold's owner before Nicolas Cage and Kirk Cameron decide to turn the whole thing into a movie about the gold belonging to an ancient wise man who hid it away millennia ago upon discovering that his two traveling companions had only frankincense and myrrh.
And finally, a woman tried to destroy that Satanic Temple holiday diorama in the state capitol building. Three guesses as to her probable theological affiliation, and whether or not its tenets emphasize things like "tolerance," "forgiveness" and turning various other body parts.
Happy holidays, everyone!
(Image of gold bars via Wikimedia Commons)
This article appears in Dec 25-31, 2014.
