A low-angle, wide-lens shot of two people at a party. The person in the center wears a black cap, white earmuffs, and a black sleeveless shirt with the white text 'WHO ATE ALL THE PUSSY?'. A second person leans in from the right, playfully sticking their tongue out toward the shirt. The background is filled with other dancers and blurred warm lighting. — Credit: Dave Decker / CL Tampa

How do you meet other lesbians without going to a bar or joining a dating app? It feels like no matter how social I am, I’m not meeting other lesbians.—Honeyhunting Honey

Hi Honeyhunting, dating apps and bars are easy because people there generally expect to get hit on, even if they’re not actively seeking the same outcome as you. If you’re seeking romantic companionship, I’d still recommend a bar if you’re down to be around alcohol. If you don’t want to do that, there are other ways to meet a gay woman. You don’t have to resort to giving yourself a fucked up haircut and browsing the flower section at the St. Pete Trader Joe’s.

Lesbians tend to congregate in art and athletics, and at lesbian-specific nightlife events. I’m talking about gallery openings, DIY concerts, local markets, roller derby, rugby, Dyke Nites, Her Way, and more. You can also find a high concentration of sapphics in some nerdy circles (see last month’s Sapphic Sun article on gay LARPers), but you’ll have to find the right ones through trial and error to avoid being surrounded by a bunch of annoying gamer guys.

Outside of this, you might meet “solitary lesbians” who frequent straight spaces waiting to bump into another lesbian. Look for the signals of lesbianism. It’s easier to tell with butches or studs whose presentations are visibly queer. If you’re looking to pick up femmes, it could be a little harder and the signs aren’t always clear. Meeting people who you suspect could be queer and finding out they’re straight is a great way to calibrate your gaydar.

Another way to find what events lesbians are flocking to is to follow a few people you know are lesbians on social media and see what events they go to. If you see someone tagged in a post on Dyke Nite’s Instagram, for instance, you could follow their account and see if they share event flyers. You can even do a little respectful stalking of their past posts to see where they show up. I would advise you to do this with multiple people rather than just one to broaden your horizons—and to avoid becoming an actual stalker.

When you meet a gay person, it sounds like you mean to form a friendship before going deeper (or maybe the friendship itself is your goal). Don’t form friendships exclusively with lesbians you’re romantically interested in, and don’t start any friendships with the singular goal to eventually start a relationship. Friendship is one of the most normal ways to feel out a relationship if you do it right.

Got a burning question? Ask a Dyke at sapphicsunfl.com/ask

Don’t let a crush develop into an obsession. If you find yourself daydreaming about a friend you’re interested in, that’s the time to ask them on a date. There’s no other way around it. Don’t casually float the idea of romantic interest, don’t ask them out over text, don’t half-ass anything; hedging is less romantic if they say yes, and more embarrassing if they say no. When you see them in person, ask if you can take them on a casual date for coffee. If they say no, accept it gracefully, don’t explain yourself, and continue your friendship as normal. If you find that you still obsess over them after this and your crush doesn’t quickly fade, cut off the friendship and avoid putting yourself in similar situations in the future. The “friendship first” approach only works if the friendship can be a separate entity from your attraction.

If you still have trouble, just hop on a dating app with the intent to make friends, and have them bring you to whatever spaces they frequent. As long as you can find people with active social lives, it’s foolproof.

Yours in love, Jane Dyke

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