You may have clicked on this because you're sort of disgusted by Roseanne Barr's recent comments. We get that. You want to be less like her. We want that, too. At certain crucial moments in our lives, Roseanne was the background music. Granted, mostly it was Darlene or Dan, but still, we used to love that show.
Which is why its reboot had us surfing a hurricane of emotions: Yay, more funny stuff, but boo, more white trash stuff. I mean, seriously, who among us didn't cringe when Roseanne Barr sang the national anthem, then grabbed her crotch and spit? Liberals and conservatives alike expressed repulsion and a universal sentiment: Roseanne Barr was gross.
Of course, that didn't stop us from watching her show. It was funny, in a loose meat lunch counter sort of way. And no one can deny the Roseanne-esque notes in The Big Bang Theory, reruns of which have gotten this editor through more than one almost-sleepless night.
But then.
Seriously.
ABC — which is synonymous with Disney — rebooted the show, and all seemed good for, like, a millisecond, before Barr transcended "not conventionally pretty" for the reasons people didn't like her (and those, for the record, are bullshit reasons) and squarely stepped into "crazy racist who should probably never have been given a TV show in the first place" territory.
Think of it as the Oklahoma Territory, with even more racism, if that's possible. It started with some tweets about the president and ended spectacularly today, when ABC fired Roseanne (and canceled her show) for her most disgusting tweet yet (see above).
But forget all that. What can you do? You can watch something else. And here are seven things you can watch instead of Roseanne. They're all gloriously fun, not at all racist (except for All in the Family, which was tongue-in-cheek) and not even a little bit Roseanne Barr approved.
7. Teletubbies — We've discovered a wonderfully horrific site that will explain what conservatives hate about TV land, and at the top of the list is good old-fashioned hate for the Teletubbies. Here's what Conservapedia writes about this show: "This British program indoctrinates young audiences into environmentalism as well as LGBT-related material, as Tinky Winky is purple and carries a purse (the character famously became a target for anti-homosexual activists during the series' original run). Even worse, Tinky Winky's actress is a lesbian pornographic actress."
Yes. Even worse than being gay.
6. All in the Family — OK, so, TBH, we never thought of this as a liberal show, but Conservapedia tells us Norma Lear "inaccurately depicted Archie Bunker, a blue-collar conservative and head of the Bunker family, with liberal traits like bigotry and ignorance." We're just gonna leave that here for you...
5. 30 Rock — Conservapedia — again — says it's a "front for the left wing agenda" that's "appealing to the liberal elites." Holy hell, are we the liberal elite? Does it come with a pay hike?
4. 2 Broke Girls — Conservapedia (seriously, this is like TV Guide for liberals...) describes this as a "garbage sitcom [that] glorifies homosexuality and feminism while directly insulting conservative ideals and leaders."
3. Saturday Night Live with John Goodman guesting — because yes.
2. The Big Bang Theory — Hey, it has Jackie, Darlene and David. Plus, it's clever.
1. Handmaid's Tale — I mean, it's like what is actually happening could actually happen.
