Rabid Nick Refer: Somewhere buried deep in the confines of the darkness that is terrible filmmaking we find Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Yeah, you read that correctly. “The Bed that Eats.” Screw ambiguity, let’s just put it all out there. Simply titling the movie Death Bed could have lead to many ideas in a prospective viewer’s head. Is it existential? A timeless morality tale? An animated flick with dancing cats? No, it’s a horror flick about a bed that eats people. BAM! An absurd premise that is flaunted to this degree of gaudiness is one of the trademarks to really bad B movies. Hopp, did I read correctly that the filmmaker forgot he even made this anti-masterpiece and failed to release it for some 30 years?
The Hopp: I wouldn't blame director George Barry for forgetting this potential Holy FAIL. Apparently, he shot in in 1977 and was wise enough to wait for mankind to evolve so they could appreciate it — finally releasing the movie until 2003. Even then, it's likely the film was only put out because it was getting passed around online (as a bootleg) and being talked about as a lot of fun with plenty of crap. I would only agree with the second part, though. Crap.
RNR: Oh come on, a film about a dead man stuck inside a painting, forced to watch a bed; a literal sleeping demon devouring any fool who sits upon it? And said painting prisoner forms some kind of bond with the most hungriest of bedroom furniture? Loads of fun. This is pure '70s camp — groan inducing effects and all. The poorly acted characters were dumb enough to make you want to yell at the screen, and logic was hidden somewhere beneath the sheets. I'm thinking this one is right up there in the pantheon or poorly made films. Pretty close to the Holy FAIL, no?
[image-1]TH: Yeah, it's close to the Holy FAIL. I cringed every time the film cut to the "digestive juices" of the bed, which is how they showed the bed eating. Dropping chicken and skulls and wine in a yellow fish tank was so deliciously bad, it made me wanna drink every time they used that … hey, I may be on to something!
RNR: Yes! Another sign of a truly suspect piece of cinema schlock: required drinking. If we learned anything from The Room, it’s that you better load up on some 151 before jumping into bed (ahem) with a bad flick. The Bed That Eats will definitely send you speeding down to Hangover Highway. Every gratuitous naked female victim? Drink! Every poor editing jump that leads the viewer to believe a teleporter must be in play? Slam it. Sadly, Jimbo almost got alcohol poisoning watching Death Bed with us; thus his lack of comments in this review. Poor lad.
So yeah, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is definitely an abomination in filmmaking, but not quite The Holy FAIL. Final thoughts Hopper?
TH: The film does capture the sheer boringness of '70s filmmaking, and makes for a great drinking game. The title alone was worth the time. I mean, who doesn't want to see a bed eat someone? Not the Holy FAIL, but still pretty fun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the sacred Holy FAIL we're giving
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats a solid
7 Creepy Guys Sitting In Paintings out of 10
(Check out some Death Bed clips here)
The Quest rages on. One of 3 Guys biggest fans — or “Favorite Customers” as we like to call them — have submitted for our viewing torture a movie called Teeth, the premise of which is so effed-up that Jimbo refuses to watch it. Coming next week to The Daily Loaf: Man-eating vaginas!
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