Bill's Sports Binge: 0 for opening days, wrist-slap for Geno Hayes and a severe Michael Jackson phase

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Number 25 in your playbook, number 87-825469911 on cell block B, Aqib Talib, through his attorneys, shocked the legal and sports world by denying the charges against him and went on to attack the media for its negative portrayal of attempted pistol-whipping and emptying Mama's gun at a fleeing suspect. So as a public service, I shall make an attempt to spin this story positive (ahem). Aqib Talib and his convicted felon mother could do wonderful things for this country including improving the gene pool, raise the national average IQ, lower crime rates, ease prison overcrowding as well as our burdened court system by simply packing up the family truckster and speeding off a cliff. About this, I am extremely positive.

Speaking of crime and punishment, the woman who falsely claimed she was raped by the Duke Lacrosse players has apparently been correctly arrested for stabbing her boyfriend in the chest at a North Carolina home.  Durham police say 32-year-old Crystal Magnum (Fridays on FOX) is charged with assault with a deadly weapon with attempt to kill. Investigators said the two were arguing (Get out!) and didn't release any other details. But it's probably safe to assume it wasn't about deciding between a DJ or a band at the wedding reception. Magnum is being held without bond and jail officials did not know if she had an attorney (or plans to change her now ironic nickname to Ginzu).

[image-1]Quicker Hits: Bucs weak-side/minded linebacker Geno Hays was taught a lesson by the justice system for disorderly conduct and trespassing resulting in a tase at The Blue Martini last December by having to pay (pinkie in side of mouth) two hunnn-dred and sixty-five, I mean dollars, in court costs and the case was dropped (a result that would tick me off more if I didn't think The Blue Martini was a pathetic overpriced velvet rope Manhattan wanna-be snob-atorium); Former Gator and current Oakland Raider Louis Murphy was arrested in Gainesville for drug possession without a prescription (Viagra) and resisting arrest without violence (As a Raider, getting arrested is a resume enhancement. Erectile dysfunction? Not so much); Finally, an English soccer team has erected (he-heh) a statue of Michael Jackson in front of its stadium and unveiled it Sunday before a match. Team chairman Mohammed Al Fayed, who was close friends of the King of Pop (and Jesus juice) defiantly proclaimed, "If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift, they can go to hell."

And tell him in person. Bam!

And the University of Connecticut Huskies are your 2011 NCAA Basketball National Champions after a game with enough bricks to build Derek Jeter another house. But when all is said and done, there's only one thing that matters: I'll always think Huskies are pants for fat kids.

After three games against the Baltimore Orioles at home over the weekend, the Tampa Bay Rays have currently won as many baseball games this year as my 71 year-old Dad. The Rays haven't started a season 0-3 since 19-forever. And if you've been following this team longer than three years, you know that's quite an accomplishment. Adding injury to insult, Evan Longoria strained his oblique and will be out at least three weeks while every-day activities such as "driving" and "opening doors" will be monitored. Um...okay. Could be worse, I guess. Sammy Sosa was thrown on the DL after sneezing. Pansy. Bet you don't need an interpreter for that word, do ya Sammy? Johnny Damon was out Sunday with a tight calf muscle predicted by some to be a result of the turf in Crap-icana Field. No worries, he only has 78 more to go.

The good news? The Red Sox were swept over the weekend as well. Smell that finger, Crawford.

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