Bill's Sports Binge: Draft, Rays and Racism

Share on Nextdoor

It's that time of the year, kiddies! A time when college kids are handed millions of dollars and told which of 32 cities they will soon call home (Cleveland? I'm moving to Cleveland? On purpose?). That's right, football freaks. The 2014 NFL Draft is off and running, proving once again that if football is cigarettes, all other sports are Nicorette gum.

As a surprise to absolutely nobody paying any attention, the Houston Texans chose that Cock, Jadeveon Clowney, made instantly famous after knocking Michigan running back Vincent Smith's helmet off like a champagne cork at the 2013 Outback Bowl in Tampa (what ... that's the name of the team? GO COCKS? *giggle*). When asked to comment on how he thought Clowney would fare in the NFL, Smith reportedly drooled and peed himself into catatonia. The helmet was last seen orbiting somewhere over Thailand.

When the Buccaneers were on the clock at pick #7, Tampa Bay fans were a-buzzing with the same thought:

"We're losing to the Orioles again? I thought Price was on the hill tonight. Shit!" Also? "Will Johnny Manziel sport the pewter pantalones this year?" The answers of course, were yes and no respectively. Instead of picking that douchebag QB with a smile like a jack o'lantern, the Bucs picked one of his biggest targets, receiver Mike Evans. Big, fast, jumps high and usually lands with the pigskin, Evans has been compared to receiver Vincent Jackson, who should be pleased to hear there's a chance he won't be quadruple-covered this year.

Johnny Fooseball sat at his table, pick after pick, not getting picked, 10, 11, 12, 17, 20, nothing. Each time NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell called out a name other than Manziel was like a humble pie in the face. It was glorious. You could see how much the chick really felt about him with every missed opportunity. (Hmmm, I wonder if Blake Bortles is seeing anyone...) Finally, at pick number 22, little Johnny is going to Cleveland. Cleveland, who's city motto is, "We're not Detroit." (Seriously, YouTube it.) True to douchey form, Manziel strutted out on stage with his now signature "money" gesture, creating a sense of relief for 31 other teams. You don't have to worry about money, Johnny. I understand you can get a nice house in Cleveland for the price of a VCR (a BetaMax VCR).

Speaking of Cleveland, the Indians are in Tampa Bay for the weekend after our beloved Rays completed a 3-game sweep against Baltimore ... on the wrong end. Pitching problems persist, the bats can't seem to hit a beach ball unless it's into a double-play and even pitching coach Jim Hickey got tossed out of a game. Most of the fans in attendance were jealous of Hickey. (Bam!)

A little spring cleaning...
Who doesn't know an 81-year-old racist?
That's my take without completely defibrillating a dead horse. Who hasn't sat at a dinner table during some family reunion-type feast without ever wincing every now and then and thinking to yourself, "Jesus, Grandpa!" Donald Sterling (you know, the Clippers guy?) was born seven years before Pearl Harbor; just how shocked are we supposed to be, exactly? Laugh at him, ridicule him, and sure, fire him or whatever they do to owners. But jeez, Louise, put down the pitchforks, get a grip and would somebody please cram a toilet plunger in Al Sharpton's face real quick? Thaaaaanks.

Honorable Afterthoughts: Former linebacker Derrick Brooks will be the next inductee in the Buccaneer Ring of Honor (Just in time, too. After Warren Sapp was inducted last year, I had to check Google make sure it wasn't called the Ring of Buttholes); a power outage delayed the Rays/Orioles game tuesday evening for 19 minutes due to an apparent Lightning strike (meteorologists supposedly claimed the nearest bolt at the time was somewhere in Texas, so ... yeah, we don't need a new stadium — just keep polishing that turd); and finally, Tampa Bay Rowdies owner (papers rustling) Bill Edwards has asked the St. Petersburg Baseball Commission to improve what he calls "substandard" field conditions at Al Lang Stadium or he may consider taking the team elsewhere next year. In other news, we have a soccer team. Don't pull a trap shrugging your shoulders.

Scroll to read more Sports & Recreation articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.