Bill's Sports Binge Friday freeway: Rays two-game hangover, race card ridiculousness and cigar nazis

Is it beer-30 yet? Not to worry, Dilbert dorks. After your Friday feast of brief but pointless bite-size sports morsels, you'll be sufficiently armed to impress the Happy Hour homies and hussies alike. Maybe even the hot bartender you've been eyeballing for way too many months now. Also, it might help if you stop asking about her kids so much. It's not sweet anymore. Just creepy.

The Rays are yet again tied at the top of the heap with the Yank-me's. This time in a crappy kissing-your-sister kind of way (FYI that's not a compliment, Bama fans). The defending World Champs didn't play a game Thursday night so Tampa Bay decided to do the same, losing to the uber-crappy Kansas City Royals, 3-2. Okay, KC had a pretty decent dude on the hill, but piss-poor defensive mistakes plus leaving the bats on the bus helped. Evan Longoria blamed the attendance.

For those of you who wore your obligatory Friday-Hawaiian shirt to work and were perplexed to see a sea of Rays gear at the office, it's because Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio declared Friday, October 1st, Tampa Bay Rays day. But don't feel bad. Your co-workers still know you like to party. Also for today only, assault and battery on a smartass seizing the opportunity to adorn Yankee/Red Sox gear in your face will amount to the cost of a jaywalking ticket. Check that, make it a warning. And a high-five.

In Buccaneer news, the over/under on the amount of times you will hear the following crusty-ass joke this weekend is set at 17:

"Hey, at least there's no way the Bucs will lose this week."

Bet the farm.

Quicker Hits: SEC Freshman player of the week honors went to (D'uuuuh) Gator Trey Burton for scoring a half-dozen TD's against Kentucky (Time to die, Bama. What. Too soon?); Former USF quarterback Matt Grothe signed as a back-up for the CFL Argonauts after getting cut by the Bucs and later the (giggle) UFL Florida Tuskers and will be competing with ex-Cane, Ken Dorsey (Hard to believe he actually considered skipping his senior year to go pro. Third time's the charm, eh? Take off. Um, Bob and Doug McKenzie. That's all I got); Plant Panther-peak Robert Marve, who was apparently too much of a disciplinary problem for Miami (seriously) is out for the season at Purdue after a torn ACL suffered in a loss to Toledo (um...Toledo?) but will likely return next season (at the big pretzel stand. Zing!); LeBron James said in an interview he suspected the backlash resulting from his epic douchey-diss was rooted in (wait for it) racism.

Rac-ist (Rey-sist) n.

1. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

2. You; If you are white and call some asshole an asshole and said asshole is black.

Finally, further evidence this country is full of a bunch of whiney Oprah-loving pussies, during a celebration of their first division title in 15 years, some Cincinnati Reds players broke out a couple stogies during the clubhouse post-game celebratory champagne-bath and at least 5 worthless anti-freedom busybodies watching it on the tube called the health inspector to report a violation of the city's smoking ban. What do you expect? The View is still on the air. It's not entirely their fault. I mean, there's only so many swirlies, wedgies and wet willies one can take before they completely snap.

Scroll to read more Sports & Recreation articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.