The Super Bowl, ya gotta love it: the only sporting event where you can attend a party that includes folks who couldn't give the slightest of shits about either team, football, or sports in general. We lovingly refer to these people as virgins, but all are welcome if you're a fan of fellowship, a couple grand of empty ass-inflating calories, and the sweet life-affirming, lip-smacking, brain-straining, proof-of-God deliciousness of cold beer (bet you could use one right now, couldn't you? Go ahead, I'll wait. Stop looking around, it's cool. I'm drinking one now, pansy. What, scared of your boss? Your spouse? They'll totally respect your rugged independence. 'Sigh,' fine, I'll drink alone. This country…).
Some are calling it a heated, hated and highly anticipated rematch between the Giants and Pats from 2008. And by some, I mean the chowdah-headed crybabies from Boston who think their perfect season was stolen by David Tyree's forehead. The rest of us almost ripped a rotator cuff shrugging our shoulders. What I remember most from that game was the introduction of the E-Trade Baby. Now that was a pee-your-pants classic. There have been countless since, but nothing beats the brilliant subtleties of the first two, which I've included at the bottom of this highbrow intellectual nugget of journalistic tripe gold for your enjoyment. You're welcome.
Speaking of pee pants, just when the Hell do these Super Bowl honchos expect us to whiz, anyway? Time out is called, the theme music crescendos, and you make a beeline for the toilet to beat the rush of broken seals…then BAM, muffled uproarious laughter is heard through the door because of some $3 million beer ad and you missed it. Dammit, why wasn't I tapping a kidney in 2004 when Janet's disgusting old boob flopped out?
Speaking of disgusting old boobs, Madonna will be performing the halftime show this year. I'll pause while those of you who didn't know that yet take a moment to absorb it and the "Who farted?" expression wears off. You back? Good. The 53-year-old (yes, really) Desperately Seeking Susan and Shanghai Surprise star will perform five songs, including Jock-Jam stadium favorite, "Vogue." Makes you want to strap on the pads and hit someone, doesn't it? Well, the maxi-pads maybe. The good news is the odds of seeing her nipples are slim (unless somebody lifts her skirt…HA-CHAA!)
This article appears in Feb 2-8, 2012.