If you said yes, well, you may be on the wrong website. If you said you already had one packed for Bonaroo, I want you to stop reading CL right now. Forever. If you said no, for whatever reason, you're going to be just fine here.
People, a great deal of my job involves wading through the various emails different companies send us as "press releases" in the hopes we'll write about whatever they think is newsworthy. While I'm sorely tempted here to go into a grammar Nazi rant about SHOUTY CAPS or exclamation points!!!!!, I won't. I mean, I will, but not today. No, today I want to mercilessly mock today's press release about music-festival-appropriate swimwear.
I am not shitting you. Music-festival-appropriate swimwear. Because that's a thing, apparently.
You know what? Let's just break it down, OK? The email appears in bold letters, with my non-bold thoughts in italics.
Look, I get spam tempting me with ways to increase my penis size, and even those emails use my name. It's like you're not even trying.
Summer has officially arrived!! We hope you are enjoying this beautiful warm weather and finding time to relax poolside or at the beach!
Nice use of exclamation points, but a little research about my publication would have revealed that we're in Florida, where we stopped using "warm" to describe the weather in March. It's mid-nineties here; I'm working from home with the a/c blaring and I haven't even put on pants today, but sure, we can go with "warm."
You understand your grammar's making me rageful, right? Aside from that, unless we're talking about a Jimmy fucking Buffett concert on a boat in the Keys, the odds of me wearing a swimsuit to a music festival aren't good. Besides that, Bonaroo's in Tennessee. A swimsuit in Tennessee? The lows at night are in the sixties. Are you out of your flipping mind?
We now rep 12 AMAZING swimwear designers including a large variety of suit styles, beautifully crafted sunglasses from Barcelona, hats, and RTW including the perfect Summer crop tops, bodysuits, and off the shoulder tops.
*Me, steadfastly ignoring the stylistic errors* Amazing? Really? I've seen them. My nipples are going to need more than that.
In addition to press loans, the featured designers are available for pre-approved celebrity and digital influencer gifting.
Press loans? Swimwear? What the hell do you do with them after we return them? You know what, I don't want to know. Just... no. I'm begging you to stop. But you won't: "celebrity gifting" and "digital influencer gifting"? I mean, OK, we all get how Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't paid for anything in 10 years — not even her vaginal steamer — but what the hell is a "digital influencer"? Is it me? Is it my sports guy who currently has some pretty high traffic on his article about the Rowdies banning a fan? Because he doesn't have a bikini body. I will wear a bikini, but your stuff doesn't even have prices on it, and trust me, down here in Florida, swimsuits are more like underwear than wedding dresses. We boat. We paddleboard. We actually, you know, go in those pools and in the saltwater. You can't do those things in a loaner swimsuit that will cost you two grand to replace if something (like life) happens to it. See, I have 10 swimsuits right now, and they'll all — even the Michael Kors, which is the most expensive one I own — wear out by August. I'm OK with that.
And I'm not even going to a music festival. Jesus, what kind of asshole wears a $2,000 bikini to Bonaroo?
This is why entire religions hate us.
Seriously, guys. I love getting shit and will blog about it all day long (I mean, I might not say something good, but I will blog), but why can't real-life-type people ever send me stuff to review? Target, if you're reading this, I live in your Mossimo swimwear. I will take your free "media swimwear" all day and tell people to buy it. Of course, Target doesn't send out media samples, because Floridians don't need to be told the awesome-osity of a $17 bikini top that doesn't expose their nipples or wear out after a month.