Caird Urquhart is the author of 30 Ways to Better Days: How to Rally After You’ve Been Dumped. Below is my interview with the business and relationship coach on the nature of relationships, if casual sex is ever part of the healing process, and why having a gay friend is essential for many women who are trying to get over an ex.
As a business coach, how similar is your advice for getting over a breakup compared to dealing with getting fired or experiencing a major business setback? While many relationship coaches suggest grieving over a broken relationship, do business coaches ever suggest grieving over a lost job?
When something doesn’t go as we had hoped, whether it be a relationship or a business venture, we take a personal hit. Failure is part of growth. If we can accept that then we can look at our so called defeats with an understanding that we will learn from them and that they are preparing us for something better. Often I have found in my coaching practice that when someone loses a job they have actually just stepped into a world of possibility. They might not see it as such right away but typically there lies a great opportunity just around the corner. The end of relationships can often also provide the same opening for something or someone better.
Will relationship experts or authors ever suggest that women have casual sex to get over their exes?
I can’t speak for other experts, but in my opinion, when you have your next intimate encounter is almost, if not as, important as whom you have it with. If you are trying to replace your ex with someone else be prepared. It can be lonelier being with a person you don’t really love than being alone. No two people are the same so trying to replace someone can be a futile mission. I believe it is best to stand alone for a while until you have healed and have a strong sense of who you are as an individual. Then you will make better choices and be of more value to the person you choose.
Some psychologists believe that humans evolved in intimate groups no larger than 150 people where communal, sexual relationships were favored. Considering that breakups and divorces are so ubiquitous, do you think there are any fundamental flaws with monogamous marriage as the primary relationship model in western culture?
It’s an interesting question. Let’s face it, when people died at younger ages, the idea of being with one person was a bit easier to digest. Now if you get married at 25 and live to be 95, that’s 70 years of waking up next to the same person. It works for some but for many the effort to sustain that kind of longevity takes more energy than they can muster. I also think that “back in the day” people had affairs; they just didn’t talk about them. Now we have this need for perfection. If our partner falls off the pedestal we have placed them on, we give them a life sentence.
After a breakup, many people tend to romanticize their former relationship, believing their ex was a soul mate or their only chance at true love. Has the constant depiction of true love and soul mates in pop culture and mass media made it more difficult for women to deal with breakups? If relationships and marriages were viewed more in terms of business partnerships as they are in some cultures and in previous eras, would women have an easier time dealing with breakups?
I do think that “Hollywood” has done an amazing job of depicting fairytale endings. I don’t believe we can blame the storytellers for our need to find happiness. Romance and the idea of true love has been around forever. Shakespeare penned a few famous ones. Even the celebration of Valentine’s Day has been practiced since early AD. If you base the height of your bar on the level of pop culture’s relationships then breakups should be commonplace and expected. You can’t turn on the television or pick up a magazine without getting the latest 911 about a celebrity breakup. I think regardless of the terms that the relationship was made under, “till death do us part” or as a business arrangement, when it ends it is viewed as a failure. On some level our ego takes a hit and that is what makes the end of a relationship hard to deal with.
How much does insecurity play into a person’s inability to get over a breakup?
My answer is, “a lot.” Often we count on our partner to fill us with confidence and make us feel worthy. When that partner is gone, we have to look to ourselves for that validation. If we lack self-confidence and a personal sense of pride it is much harder to recover. Self-worth, or a lack of it, shows up differently in all aspects of our lives. I spend most of my time coaching my clients, regardless of how high up the corporate ladder they are, on building their self worth. Having a strong personal foundation will help you ride out any storm.
Why is having a gay friend essential for dealing with a breakup? Do these friends function as self-esteem boosters, telling you how great you are? Is there any problem with seeking reassurance of your dating value from gay men who are not interested in women? Is there any benefit in having a heterosexual male friend who is brutally honest about why your relationship failed?
Although not essential, having a gay male friend is one benefit, as a woman, I would not want to live without. Many gay men have dated women at some point in their life so they are well versed on the subject. As I mention in my book, one of my closest friends is gay. He has always been there for me through my ups and downs. I enjoy the fact that we can curl up on the couch together and watch a movie without any hidden agenda. He looks great in a suit and has accompanied me to many social events. He is my biggest supporter and can also be my most honest critic; a true friend indeed.
I believe that having men, gay or straight, as friends is a wonderful thing. In fact, I am friends with most of the men I have dated. They have helped me understand why our relationship failed which often had nothing to do with me. This is good information to know.
Order 30 Ways to Better Days, and find out more about Caird Urquhart at NewRoadCoaching.com
Follow Shawn Alff on Twitter or Facebook
This article appears in Feb 2-8, 2012.