Dirty Talk: Infamous Quotes on Sex and Love

An expanding list of funny, irreverent, truthful, and memorable quotes on sex, love, and everything in between.

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Anon: “Obscenity is what gives the judge an erection.”

Anon: “Seduction doesn't involve deception. Seduction is the art of enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do.”

Anon: “Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.”

Anon: “A dirty book is rarely dusty”

Anon: “My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.”

Anon: “Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any”

Anon: “Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'”

Anon: “I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading.”

Anon: “The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.”

Anon: “When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.”

Anon: “Why is sex a sin if it is the only thing that keeps the human race from disappearing?”

Anon: “Kids in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause kids.”

Anon: “Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. On Sunday morning pray for crop failure.”

Anon: “I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes.”

Anon: “I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.”

Anon: “Love is a matter of chemistry but sex is a matter of physics.”

Anon: “I think I could fall madly in bed with you.”

Milt Abel: “For birth control I rely on my personality.”

Shawn Alff: "Don't have sex with the windows open. Love may be blind but the neighbors aren't."

Shawn Alff: "The test of a man's affection is not if he will sleep with you, but how far he will go for that privilege."

Shawn Alff: "Meaningless sex is the meaning of life for many men."

Nelson Algren: “Never sleep with someone whose troubles are worse than your own.”

Woody Allen: “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

Woody Allen: “Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.”

Woody Allen: “Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

Woody Allen: “I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher—they are going to make a board game out of it”

Woody Allen: “'Bay area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.”

Woody Allen: “Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.”

Woody Allen: “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.”

Woody Allen: “I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

Woody Allen: “If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”

Woody Allen: “Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.”

Woody Allen: “I don't know the question but sex is definitely the answer.”

Woody Allen: “Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”

Woody Allen: “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.”

Woody Allen: “My success has allowed me to strikeout with a higher class of women.”

Woody Allen: “My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”

Woody Allen: “Chastity is curable if detected early.”

Woody Allen: “I didn't have an affair, it was a brief interlude of infidelity.”

Woody Allen: “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Woody Allen: “I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'”

Woody Allen: “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

Woody Allen: “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then, one suffers from not loving. So, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.”

Woody Allen: “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own”

Woody Allen: "It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it."

Woody Allen: “It reminds me of that old joke—you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.”

Woody Allen: “For me, love is very deep. Sex only has to go in a few inches.”

Woody Allen: "There's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever."

Woody Allen: "I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's."

Woody Allen: "Love, despite what they tell you, does not conquer all, nor does it usually last. In the end the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to, whatever works."

Woody Allen: “Sex relieves tension. Love causes it.”

Isabel Allende: “For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”

Pamela Anderson: “I always think clothes make you look fat so I prefer to be naked.”

Pamela Anderson: “It's great being blonde - with such low expectations it's easy to impress.”

Pamela Anderson: “Life is like sex. It’s not always good, but its always worth trying.”

Barbara de Angelis: "Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could."

Barbara de Angelis: "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

Natalie Angier: “Perhaps eggs are like neurons, which also are not replenished in adulthood: they know too much. Eggs must plan the party. Sperm need only to show up- wearing top hat and tails, of course.”

Jacob M. Appel: “If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises....”

Aristotle: "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

Marcus Aurelius: “The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer.”

Sam Austin: “Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.”

St. Augustine: “Oh Lord give me chastity and continence, but not yet."

St. Augustine: “Love is the beauty of the soul."

St. Augustine: “He that is jealous is not in love."

St. Augustine: “What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels."


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