How I learned to stop worrying and love my huge penis

In a society obsessed with size—with cars as small as soapbox racers and cell phones like matchbooks—it's no wonder men with oversized male genitalia, or OMG, are still persecuted. But, a new book, How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much, offers hope. It has finally given me the strength to come unzipped about my well endowed penis.

OMGs are such a taboo subject, I didn't even realize I had one until I measured my erection with the ruler provided on the book's inside cover. Technically I only have a "well endowed penis," as opposed to a full blown OMG, but I may have misdiagnosed myself. (Readers are instructed to place the ruler at the base of the penis, possibly adding several inches of undercarriage. As a gentleman, I always measure from the top)

In any case, I had no idea that 5 ½ to 6 ½ inches of stately manhood constituted a well endowed penis. Indeed, this is the book's main goal: to raise awareness of OMGs. No longer should men be ashamed of the enormous birth defects cradled in their underpants like the muscular arm of a Siamese twin.

Not only did this book save my life, it also resurrected my manhood. Like many men with an OMG, I contemplated penis reduction surgery and even committing suicide by tying my penis around my neck and thinking of vaginas the size of the Hoover Dam. My tormented childhood, the embarrassment of having to wear a construction hard hat as a cup to little league baseball, was a huge factor in my move to Florida—a state that resembles my penis and no longer requires OMGs to be registered with the DMV.

Everyman with an OMG has struggled with the perpetual fear of his penis catching in doors or shaking loose from the shackles of duct tape that keeps it suspended in his shorts. For all you "normal" men, just imagine how difficult it is for someone with an OMG to do something as simple as get on an airplane: we're continually strip searched under suspicion of smuggling a missile, and new regulations require us to purchase an extra seat to accommodate our OMG (After the movie Snakes on a Plane, airlines no longer allow OMGs to be stored in the overhead compartment or under the seat).

These obstacles led one of the authors, Rev. Owen Thomas, into a life of celibacy and priestly man-dresses. Rev. Thomas met the coauthor, Dr. Richard Jacob, at a hospital after Jacob had beaten his huge penis bloody with a hammer.

In their book, Thomas and Jacob confront the bias toward OMGs. Grade school gym coaches still condone the ridicule of boys forced to sit on the sidelines of soccer games, because their OMGs can't be contained by wind shorts and they lacked adequate penis guards. Even at Creative Loafing, an office full of liberal writers, small penis propaganda abounds like, "my penis is so small it was on China's female gymnastics team."

Once and for all the authors overturn the myths that OMGs are contagious, or that men with huge penises have smaller brains. Horse-cock hatred isn't limited to humans. Elephants are often poached not for their tusks, but for their second trunks, which make excellent sleeping bags. The only point the author's disagree about is how to deal with small penis elitists. I side with Rev. Thomas, the acclaimed author of the crime novels Megapsycho and Thunderstorm of Blood, who suggests using a crowbar.

Another chapter offers tips for "unzipping": coming out to friends and family. Readers are advised to clear the room of "kill triggers," large phallic objects that feed a desire to kill. Never unzip in anger or in a public place. Move through the opening quickly so your family isn't disappointed when they discover you're not coming out about your homosexuality.

This book even delves into the sensitive issue of sex and maintenance. Cumcrete situations and Maury Povich Syndrome can be prevented by squeezing your member like a toothpaste tube and working it with a rolling pin. Every man with an OMG knows that vaginas turn to sandpaper as a natural defense against large penises. Although you may never go "balls deep" like your small penis friends, Harvard's S.P.I.T (safe penile intercourse techniques) method will help you work in the tip. Advice is also given on preventing rod rash, tip gnawing, and uterine encroachment. Fainting spells from erections, or hallucinations due to blood loss from the brain, can be managed with pictures of grandparents. Potentially fatal nocturnal erections can be prevented by wearing night guards. If you do find a safe harbor for your OMG, the authors suggest giant novelty condoms. I've personally used Glad Bags with limited success.

While How to Live with a Huge Penis is physically long, it contains a lot of fluff, which is partly due to the gaping hole in OMG research. The scientific community has long denied the "theory" of huge penises as they shake the tenants of evolution. Congress has systematically cut off OMG funding as huge penises are not mentioned in the Bible. The end of the book is largely blank for you to fill with your own advice on managing your OMG. Mine reads like a diary: "Dear Well Endowed Penis, today I bought you tube sock because I know how cold you get in the winter."

This book doesn't specifically address French Bread (long skinny penises) or tuna cans (thick short ones), but it's inspiring that we're finally openly discussing penises that aren't the size of fishing tackle. Our OMGs are out, never again to be suppressed by tightly wrapped rolls of Ace bandages and baggy pants.

I go one step further than Thomas and Jacob, proposing that OMG supporters wear flesh colored ribbons. A month should be dedicated to OMGs, where students learn about how the theory of relativity was a consequence of Einstein reflecting on his massive penis, and how Mozart's final opera, "The Magic Flute," was an attempt to reconcile with his penis.

We must learn to be proud of our trouser cannons. Even though our penises are large enough for us to fellate ourselves, we must stand tall and remember that we are still men.

Follow Alfie on Twitter , Facebook , or at
Scroll to read more Local Arts articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.