If you could make anybody in Metallica president, who would it be?
Now thats funny, because I dont know if you looked at my YouTube, but I interviewed them, and I asked that same exact question to the band, I said, Who would be the, uh
and this is what they answered: they said James they all said James would be the head of defense. They said Lars (Ulrich) would be the head of foreign affairs. They said Rob (Trujillo) would be vice president, and Kirk (Hammett) would be president because hes the best looking, and youve got to have a good-looking president.
There were some limitations to the Goat Boy persona. If you could go back in time, would you have been some other kind of animal?
I would have been The Donkey.
Why The Donkey?
Thats what I used to do all the time. I mean, thats the funniest animal noise I ever heard in my life. With the big, long, dopey ears, theyre just [makes a donkey noise]. You know, Goat Boy was just a
guy with Tourette that makes a goat noise. If I started over, I would have made it a guy with Tourette, but with a donkey noise.
Youve been trying to clean up your act recently because youre a father, and youre married, and youre venturing into a different kind of comedy. If you werent married and you didnt have kids, what would you be doing with your career right now?
I probably wouldnt be alive. If I didnt have a family, Id probably be like every other MTV moron wearing leather pants, walking down the street like a kangaroo thinking, I am my own world.
Do you see other comedians your age doing that?
I see comedians that do it; I see business people that do it; I see politicians that do it. Its around us everywhere. Thats whats shoved down your throat since youre in school.
Leather pants were your measure of success at one point, werent they?
[Big laugh] Thats right, but they were red.
Thats hot. You grew up on Long Island. Are you living in New York now?
No, we live in New Jersey. We were around lived in Manhattan while I was doing Saturday Night Live, but now we live in New Jersey, out in the middle of nowhere New Jersey. Not the snapperhead Jersey Shore show Jersey; this is out-in-the-woods, looks-like-we-live-in-Iowa New Jersey. I left our house and there was deer pooping all over the place on my front yard. That kind of New Jersey.
Thats touching. Do you find that inspiration is harder or easier to come by living out in the sticks?
I dont think it makes much of a difference. Just being around people is always inspiring. Ill always find some comedy. People are entertaining. Were very close to apes the only difference is we throw our poop less.
Youve spent a lot of time around other comedians throughout your career. Do you have your comedian friends come out and visit you in New Jersey, or do you have to go see them now?
No, I dont have a lot of not that I dont have a lot of stand-up comedy friends, but its more acquaintances. The only real stand-up comedy friend was, like, Pete Correale. Outside of him, its really just acquaintances. To me, a friend is a guy that will come over to your house, or that Ill call at three in the morning
if Im in a jam. I dont know too many comedians that I can rely on for that.
What should people expect from your show coming up, April 23 at the Improv?
Its a little bit of old stuff to begin. I touch on SNL, I touch on Half Baked. Then, I go full-blown into my world as a dad, my world as having elderly parents that rely on me. Still in love with metal. Still
a rocker guy, living in this world. Its sort of like I can sum it up very easily this is a modern day Cosby act, but with a Metallica shirt on. Its a mini-van, but the windows are still tinted.
I have one final question a friend of mine asked you to marry her a few years ago on Myspace and you never responded. Is there anything you want to say to her now?
Im never, ever, ever on Mysapce. Im always on Facebook fan page. When you see all those responses on Facebook fan page, thats me. At first, I had a team putting together Myspace and Facebook, and soon enough I had 5,000 friends on Facebook and I was like, You know what? I want to do this myself, because I did get frustrated with people going, You know, I asked you and you didnt respond. So I cant respond to all of them, so now I only, only, only talk on the Facebook fan page. I update it constantly, I put videos on it, I respond to comments. Especially when Im on the road, Im always on the Facebook fan page and will always talk. Thats where I give away my tickets, thats where I talk to people, that is the only place where I personally communicate.