Movie Review: Robert Rodriguez's Machete, starring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Robert DeNiro, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Lindsey Lohan and Michelle Rodriguez (with trailer video)

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The movie stars Danny Trejo as Machete, an outlaw who wields his namesake weapon and crosses blades with a Mexican drug lord (Steven Seagal). The supporting cast includes Robert DeNiro, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin and Lindsey Lohan, and should be enough to get you intrigued (if not hysterical). And if your an exploitation purist who couldn't care less about some famous faces, the body count and Grindhouse feel are sure to send you over the top.

It's at this point I would talk about the plot, but does it really matter? The answer is no, it does not. All you really need to know is that Machete kills people — lots of people — and he excels at showing people that they've messed with the wrong Mexican. If you must know: Machete's family is killed by Seagal's character, and the blade-man's quest for bloody revenge is set against a backdrop of a raging immigration debate war.

The acting is way, way over the top — which is perfect for a movie like this. It took a director of Rodriguez's caliber to finally find a role that perfectly matches Alba's lack of acting skill. The actress fits right in with the terrible Seagal. I mean, if her acting isn't enough to bring you to tears of laughter, then Seagal's horrifically wonderful Mexican accent (a cross between a bad Seagal impression and Speedy Gonzalez) will do it. Oh, and Lohan is topless; you can put that in the "win" column, too.

Machete is everything Grindhouse hoped to be — with it's hard editing, crappy reel projection, '70s music and ridiculous camera angles — except this movie goes way past all that to deliver something that had me in stitches from beginning to end. It's the best homage to exploitation films you will find, but be sure you can handle the gore and nudity. Machete isn't for the faint of heart.

And, seriously, Machete goes after someone with a bladed weed whacker. I know, awesome, right?

Danny Trejo is back as Machete, the character first seen in a mock trailer between the two flicks that made up Grindhouse. The Machete trailer was so popular, the producers decided to turn it into a real film. As far as movie production stories go, this isn't the most bizarre I've ever heard (remember: they made a movie about a ride at Disney World), but it is a bit backward. As much fun as the trailer was, a full-length version could never live up to that level of fun. Or can it?

Let's put it this way, if you like cheesy, over the top exploitation movies, Machete will be your Citizen Kane.

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