Must-see TV

"Incomprehensible." Ten people of diverse backgrounds awake to find themselves on a beautiful island guarded by the Loch Ness monster. They locate a series of mysterious prophecies warning of the destruction of humanity. A stranger appears in their midst without explanation. Beneath the island are stairs leading to a cavern full of Mayan ruins. A rescue plane circles above the island, sending radio messages in an unknown language. Gradually they discover they are acquiring superpowers. They find an extremely strong power generator that appears to be of extraterrestrial design. Five figures dressed in white robes walk out of the water and refuse to speak. A room of scientific experiments is found, many in progress, as if the scientists had just left the room. They come across a table set for an elaborate feast. One day a child holding a lamp appears …

"Chick Flick — The Series." An immortal Mayan warrior who has been cursed to wander the Earth in search of the resurrected soul of the only woman he ever loved has touching, teary encounters with modern career women who are discontent despite their seemingly perfect lives.

"Emergency Law." At a combined hospital and law firm, doctors and lawyers see patients and clients simultaneously.

"The Strength of Ten." A rift in the space-time continuum transports Sir Galahad from Camelot to present-day Los Angeles, where he fights criminals using the Sword of Balin. In the pilot, Galahad causes a riot by insisting the damsels on Venice Beach cover themselves.

"How Low Can You Go?" Television network executives compete to win a big promotion by coming up with the most exploitive reality series. Weekly reality show-within-a-show is the highlight. In the pilot, Tom green-lights "Tenement," in which volunteers are locked in an abandoned apartment building full of famished rats. Stephanie backs "Platinum," in which attractive women have 24 hours to see who can make the most money as high-class call girls.

"Mr. Edward." Talking-horse show revived as part of fad for "reimagining" old television series. "Darkening" the story, as is the current trend, the eponymous palomino is now the result of a sinister genetic experiment conducted by An Agency Far, Far More Secret Than the CIA. Wilbur Post now is an arms dealer, while Carol Post is now trying to have her husband committed for his talking-horse claims, so that she can seize his property and move in with her lesbian lover. Their neighbors the Addisons are now involved in international smuggling.

And here are a few of my own:

Music to Our Rears. A down-on-his-luck composer (Joel McHale) looking for his big break in Hollywood reluctantly accepts a job scoring adult films in the San Fernando Valley. Each episode climaxes, so to speak, when, after dealing with much inner torment and sexual frustration, he finally discovers the perfect run of notes to accompany the obligatory “money shot.” Midway through season three, due to steadily declining ratings, he hooks up with one of the starlets, at which point the show officially “jumps the shark.”

Blogger. A 30-something Manhattan art curator (Anne Heche) with a split personality and an addiction to blogging becomes obsessed each week with her most devoted commenter. Who she also happens to be. À la 24, scenes are periodically time-stamped (with occasional trackbacks).

It Is What It Is. Emmitt Smith plays a retired NFL running back who opens a clinical psychology practice, dispensing advice to his patients in the form of sports clichés that he internalized over the course of many locker-room interviews. In each installment, he must deal with confused patients who are advised to “Give 110 percent,” “Stick to the game plan,” “Bring their A-game” and, most bewildering, “Try to contain John Elway and keep him from getting outside the pocket.”

No, the air hasn’t turned refreshingly crisp, and when the leaves finally change color, it will be to an unsightly crispy brown before falling dead to earth (at least here in Florida).Dr. Emmitt Smith is ready to see you

But make no mistake, fall season is upon us. Your television says so.

To recognize this annual inauguration of doomed pilots and faddish series, Gregg Easterbrook, who writes ESPN’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback, recently offered his own fall lineup for the TMQ channel. Here are some of the best:

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