Olympics, Day, uhhh.. 5: Your new favorite athlete has arrived

Get outta the way, Michael Phelps! Here comes Kiros!

Another day, another buttload of medals.

They might want to rename the Olympics the Swimming Super Bowl because it seems to be the only event, and one that never ends. The United States has racked up 21 of its 32 total medals in swimming events. Who knew there were even 21 different swimming events?

But at least hope has been restored for many of us who dream of competing in the Olympics. Ethiopia’s Robel Kiros should win a gold medal for best dad-bod, but instead tried his hand in the 100-meter freestyle. Kiros, the world’s new favorite swimmer, came in dead last of the 59 competitors, finishing the race almost 15 seconds behind the next-slowest swimmer. Colombian radio Tiempo Cero FM described Kiros as “gordito” on its Twitter account. So how did Kiros make it this far in swimming? His father is rumored to be the president of the Ethiopian Swimming Federation.

Kiros was in good spirits after finishing the race. "I am so happy because it is my first competition in the Olympics," he said. He also received a big cheer from the crowd when he finished.

The first gold medal ever won by an independent Olympic athlete was awarded yesterday when Fehaid Al-Deehani won gold in the men’s double trap shooting event. Al-Deehani is a former officer in the Kuwaiti military who won bronze in shooting events in 2000 and 2012 while competing under the Kuwait flag, but represents no nation in Rio after Kuwait was banned from the games due to its government’s alleged interference in the country’s Olympic committee. Kuwait's national soccer team was recently banned by FIFA for similar reasons.

Trap shooting bronze went to 29-year-old Corey Cogdell. An Alaskan native, she may have the same qualifications Sarah Palin does to be vice president: She can shoot a gun.

The mystery of the green pools has been solved. Oh wait, no it hasn’t. Actually, it's gotten worse. Finger-pointing from officials is about all we've seen so far when it comes to figuring out why the diving pool looks like Shrek’s toilet. The pool adjacent to the diving pool is also turning green, adding to Shrek’s domain. Olympic officials say it’s safe, despite not knowing what it is. Some say algae, some say alkalinity and some say pool equipment malfunction. Either way, I’d stay out of the green water in Brazil.

The Brazilian men’s soccer team finally scored a goal last night after finishing its first two matches and over 200 minutes without scoring. Neymar and amigos faced Denmark, the stronger of their three opponents in the group, and put four goals in the net. The win should stave off a soccer-fueled riot for now.

There's a big day ahead for exciting sports. Badminton and ping pong semifinals are on USA Network at 10:30 this morning while team dressage equestrian qualifying continues on MSNBC at 3:45 this afternoon. There are also actual sports being played today, too. Brazil faces Croatia in basketball today at 1 p.m. while the Bravo network continues to frustrate Real Housewives fans by showing tennis from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

We have 11 more days of Olympics and Grade-A Olympic coverage, so pace yourself in front of that TV and don’t wear yourselves out.

About The Author

Colin O'Hara

Colin O'Hara, Intrepid Sports Reporter, writes about sports for Creative Loafing and is the only CL writer ever  banned from a certain Croatian stadium, which makes him sort of a bad-ass. Follow him as he Tweets smart-ass sports shit...
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