Captain Corelli's Mandolin (R) Romance blooms on a ridiculously beautiful Greek island during World War II when a ridiculously sensitive Italian soldier (Nicolas Cage) and a ridiculously strong-willed Greek woman (Penelope Cruz) are forced to share the same home. The two predictably lock horns and then, even more predictably, fall in love (Cruz practically melts the first time Cage's Corelli strums a few notes on his trusty mandolin). This is one of those highly disposable mini-epics about love and war, the sort they rarely make any more (thank goodness) in which the Nazis are still the bad guys, the colorful locals devour life and everyone runs around talking in different accents. The movie boasts some appealing production values but its emotional dynamics are completely phony-baloney; it's sometimes fun to look at, but we never for a moment believe we're watching anything other than highly paid movie stars putting on a show. Also stars Christain Bale and John Hurt. 
Cats and Dogs (PG) More talking animals than you can shake a talking animal at. Stars Jeff Goldblum and a whole lot of digitally manipulated furballs. (Not Reviewed)
The Closet (NR) The latest effort from French filmmaker Francis Veber involves an insignificant little man who pretends to be gay in order to keep from being fired from his dead-end job at a condom factory. Veber's big joke is that our newly outed hero doesn't change his behavior in the slightest but everyone's perceptions of him alter radically. The material itself feels more than just a little tepid and sitcomish. The Closet is relatively fast-paced, for what it's worth, but basically frivolous and uninspired stuff that never really transcends its slight, one-note premise. Now playing at Channelside Cinemas. Call theater to confirm.
Curse of the Jade Scorpion (PG-13) Woody Allen's latest is a minimalist caper flick set in New York (where else?) in 1940, a world where all the men wear hats, the women all talk tough and everybody smokes, drinks and wears trenchcoats. Allen stars as an insurance investigator looking into a series of heists it turns out that he himself has committed while under the influence of hypnotic suggestion. That's about all there is to the film, other than the combative, bantering relationship Allen's character enjoys with an efficiency expert played by Helen Hunt. An amusing but essentially forgettable addition to Allen's sizable filmography, Curse of the Jade Scorpion features some clever one-liners and a great look, but, as an actor/comedian, Woody's comic timing is not all that it once was (and it goes without saying but I'll say it anyway: Allen is simply too old to continue playing these sorts of quasi-romantic roles). Beyond that, the movie fails to fully exploit its best idea — that the mutually loathing Allen and Hunt are madly in love with one another, but only when hypnotized — as neat a metaphor for the grand illusion of love as we've heard in some time. Also stars Dan Aykroyd, Charlize Theron and David Ogden Stiers. Opens Aug. 24 at local theaters.
Fast Food, Fast Women (NR) This rambling, self-consciously quirky, Manhattan-set romantic comedy from Israeli-born director Amos Kollek wants desperately to charm us but just doesn't have the chops. Anna Thompson stars as Bella, a 30-ish waitress too sweet to assert herself and too unlucky to find a guy who'll treat her right. Kollek throws in a lot of eccentric New Yorkers of various backgrounds and ages and, in the absence of anything resembling a plot, simply lets them shoot off their mouths and bounce off one another. There are some funny moments, but lots more that feels strained and annoying. At Channelside Cinemas. Call theater to confirm. 
