I'm dating an awesome girl, and I think she might be The One. I love her parents, and she gets along with all my friends, plus she loves my dog.
The sex is spectacular — I mean, blow-the-lid-off amazing, the kind of shit that leaves you unable to walk or form coherent sentences. However, we're going to Washington to stay with my parents and they have a two-bedroom house — one where the bedrooms are back-to-back. We're staying with them and will be sleeping in my old high-school bedroom.
My gf says we can wait to have sex until we get home, but I don't know if we can do that. I mean, you really don't get how hot the sex is. And I don't think she wants to, either — she says we can wait, but then she talks about how hot it is to have sex without getting caught, and she says maybe she can "help me out" in other ways while we're there. So, instead of lecturing me about how we can wait and respecting my elders, can you give me some real tips about how to have sex without getting caught?
—Celibate in Seattle
I like how you think you're the one suffering here. Sounds to me like your girlfriend might be not looking for a weekend of platonic love but doesn't know how to tell you. OK, so forgetting the whole lecture on respecting your elders — after all, they have invited you and put you in one bedroom together, right? — let's help you help her out so she doesn't spend the whole vacation helping you out.
First things first, forget sex in the bed. Beds creak. The headboard hits the wall. It's audible. I don't care how cool your parents are, unless they're Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand in Meet the Fockers, hearing you have sex will be awkward for them. Don't do that. Instead, have sex on the floor. If you, like me, are spoiled by a nice comfy bed, invest in a sleeping pad. You can go high-end, like this Tempur-Topper, or you can go camping-style. If your parents notice you bringing it up, tell them you pulled your back doing squats at the gym — or that she did. It doesn't matter; anyone over the age of 40 will buy that.
Next, make it a game. For some people, we've heard it's a total turn-on not to get caught. So make it into a game: Find the most likely instance of you getting caught and go for it — but with restrictions. I mean, don't drag your girlfriend under the table at dinner while mom's getting the lasagne out of the kitchen, but why not a nice under-the-blankets-watching-Jimmy-Fallon-when-everyone's-asleep? Pull the blankets up and hey, if mom walks in, just act like you're snuggling. But for god's sake, put down a towel.
Finally, be a stand-up guy. Does your old bedroom have a desk with a chair? Bend her right over that. Let her brace herself against the wall. Get creative. After all, you're in your high-school bedroom, right? Pretend you're in high school again and have that same level of flexibility and inventiveness.
If all else fails, head to a coffee-shop bathroom. We hear Seattle has a ton of 'em.
Have a pressing sex question? Send it to Roxxie Cocker at [email protected].