Here are the shows on the Christmas tap in the Tampa Bay area, and our take on what they're about and who should see them. So, go ahead — gorge yourselves. Lifetime and Hallmark will wait. These shows won't.
How freeFall describes it: "When a member of a troupe of actors refuses to do even one more performance of the ubiquitous classic, A Christmas Carol, he and his compatriots decide instead to perform every Christmas story ever told."
Our take on it: We can't review one more instance of It's a Wonderful Life (See: American Stage), so we get it. However, the description on their website also mentions the cast finds the true spirit of the holidays, making us think this might be the most Hallmark movie on our list.
Perfect for: Every stage manager or season ticket holder who has grown weary of the same damn Christmas play at their favorite theater year after year. Also perfect for your elderly g'ma.
Hallmark or Lifetime? Oh, Hallmark. All the way. All it needs is a golden retriever named Rusty.
freeFall Theatre, 6099 Central Ave., St. Petersburg | Through Dec. 30: Wed. & Thurs., 7 p.m.; Fri. & Sat., 8 p.m.; Sat. & Sun., 2 p.m. | $37.50-$50 | 727-492-5205 | freefalltheatre.com
How American Stage describes it: "This Christmas, cozy up with your favorite Pride and Prejudice characters at Pemberley. Told with a sweet and sassy modern wit and romantic, period style, this comedic sequel takes us to 1815 England in the grand estate of newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Darcy."
How we describe it: Look, we're not gonna lie to you. We're over the fucking moon they're not doing a mashup of Santaland Diaries with It's a Wonderful Life. They could simply put a bunch of cats onstage with jingle bells and we'd be all over it, simply to support the storied theater doing something different. But also, we do kinda love us some Mr. Darcy, even if they didn't get Colin Firth to play him (there's always next year, guys), and the caliber of their shows is top-notch, so we're excited on multiple fronts.
Perfect for: Your bougie friend who turns up her nose at Christmas plays because they aren't "real theater" (her words, not ours) but will love this because it satisfies her secret-squirrel need for life-affirming Christmas pageantry.
Hallmark or Lifetime? BBC.
American Stage, 163 3rd St. N., Petersburg | Through Dec. 30: Wed. & Thurs., 7 p.m.; Fri. & Sat*., 8 p.m.; Sat. & Sun., 2 p.m. *No 8 p.m. show Dec. 15 | $44-$54; free, under 20; $15/month, under 30 | 727-823-PLAY | americanstage.org
How Stageworks describes it: "This seasonal celebration finds the girls entertaining at the annual Harper’s Hardware Holiday Party. When Santa turns up missing, the girls use their talent and creative ingenuity to save the holiday party!"
Our take on it: It's totally normal for a group of school chums to reunite and sing at special events… if they're Straight No Chaser. Otherwise, they're probably looking to recapture their lost youth and, hopefully, things won't end well for them. But — and this is a big but — they're gonna do '60s versions of holiday classics. So, you know, fun. And escapist. And pretty and shiny and my god have you seen the news? This is the perfect remedy.
Perfect for: My mom. And probably yours. Or your grandma, or both. It's a feel-good happy time, and that's what Christmas is all about. Um, aside from your racist Uncle Bob's rant at Christmas dinner.
Hallmark or Lifetime? Lifetime. Hell, they're running a movie named Jingle Belle, which proves our point.
Stageworks Theatre, 1120 E. Kennedy Blvd., Tampa | Dec. 7-23: Fri. & Sat., 8 p.m. and Sat. & Sun., 3 p.m. | $35, opening; $30, evenings; and $25, matinees | 813-374-2416 | stageworkstheatre.org
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This article appears in Dec 6-13, 2018.