That vampiric/human marriage proposal cliffhanger? Still hanging. Vampire Bill just got his cold ass kidnapped, and sassy pants Tara’s beau Eggs has been gunned down by vigilante lawman Jason Stackedhouse. Friendly, neighborhood bar-owner Sam has taken off on a heartfelt mission to find his shape-shifting mother and father. You know, just a typical night on Bon Temps.
In a touch of brilliance, each of the main storylines was briefly cut open like wound before Jace Everett gets started on the show’s "Bad Things" intro.
Now let’s talk about those crazy women. If there was one constant in this barn burner of a season opener, it was the lovely ladies of True Blood. The bitches were out of control throughout, creating spectacles and various dramatics. Sookie and her nauseating accent were running all over town trying to convince townsfolk that they should care that her boyfriend/kind of-sort of-not really fiancé was missing. Sassy and tall Tara went off the deep end, while her lovely mother tried to save her with Jeezus and grope her Reverend simultaneously. Best of all was the return of Pam to high command of bitch-hood as Eric’s sarcasm dampened assistant. She literally chewed the scenery of every shot with her abhorrence for anyone that wasn’t her.
And while the estrogen hung in the air like a July haze, the boys of True Blood did everything they could to be in various states of undress. Yes, ladies and Lafayettes, this was your special, cold shower edition of True Blood. You had your, “hey I’m Eric and I rock, so I’m banging this broad in front of you, Sookie.” There was also a, “Yo, I’m Jason Stackedhouse and I can’t get it on with these two hot broads because I burnt the Eggs, but I’ll stand around naked anyway.” However, what you’ll be hearing around the water cooler today will be the sexual fantasy Sam had involving Vampire Bill Compton that saw them locked in a homo-erotic make out in the shower.
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Since the first bite always seems to end rather quickly, the end of the episode left us with Nordic Eric the Dead getting chewed out by the Queen (the ever so lovely Evan Rachel Wood), Jason and Andy Bellefleur trying to get away with the murder of the Eggman, and best of all, Vampire Bill being ambushed by — of all things — fucking werewolves. Hopefully by the end of the season, Frankenstein and the Creature from the Black Lagoon join us as well.
So, suckers of blood, where do you think this season is headed? Will the boys regain control of the insanity, or will the girls continue to get all the blood pumping?
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