Generally when we see the words “Florida Man” in the headlines, they’re followed by fantastically absurd sentences like “Tries to Convince Woman to Buy, Cook, Eat Iguanas Duct-Taped to His Bike,” or, “Eats Homeless Man’s Face Off.” These types of headlines have pegged Florida Man as batshit-bananas. In all fairness, because Florida Men are always down to party; things do get out of control sometimes. But the more typical Florida Man — while only a Flakka-binge away from making the headlines — is normally less dramatic and more prolific.
The pre-psychotic break Florida Man is as intrinsic to our state as balmy salt-air nights, palm trees and Silver Alerts. And he’s everywhere. Especially at convenience stores buying Busch beer and 305s cigarettes; making catcalls at 13-year-old girls from his rusty Ford pick-up truck; and asking people in parking lots for gas money.
Almost anyone (who lives in Florida and is male, that is) can be a Florida Man. It just takes a little dedication and a lingering lack of self-worth.
Below is a handy lifestyle guide for aspiring Florida Men.
You need to love drugs and alcohol like mosquitoes love blood. I’m talking daily use for life until your liver gives out. Ideally, start in middle school. Whatever you can get your hands on will do. The tricky part is staying minimally functional. Try to hold down a construction or lawn-service job until you can manage to get on disability.
You’ll need at least one DUI and a few stints in the pen. Throw in a jailhouse tattoo of the Grim Reaper and you’re on your way!
You’ll need to develop thick leathery skin, which can be done rather quickly since you work outside, but it helps if you occasionally pass out on the beach under full sun.
Remember, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.
All your shirts, when you wear a shirt, must have holes or stains. Ditto for underwear.
Date women who have a raspy voice and a loud, cackling laugh earned by decades of smoking Mistys. Bonus points if she’s a waitress at the Waffle House or gets teary-eyed when she talks about the children that her mother is raising for her.
Never stop hitting up your elderly mom for money. Who says co-dependency and enabling are all bad? To that end, if your kids stay in your life, make sure when they’re teens you share your weed with them and occasionally remind them that they’re stupid wastes of sperm, ensuring they’ll be a chip off the old block!
Florida Man may not be a pillar of society, but he has an important role. We need him to offset all those uppity types who voted for Rick Scott. Not that Florida Man votes. He had that right revoked years ago.
This article appears in May 7-13, 2015.