Week 3 NFL Picks

Fantastic Sal sez:


Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots


The Matt Cassell era continues apace with another victory as the Pats squish the Fish.  But for the Dolphins, they need to take a long-term perspective and consider their imminent defeat an instance of losing the battle to win the war.  To wit: The Dolphins let Cassell rack up beaucoup passing yards, which is the catalyst for an MVP year that ends with New England winning the Super Bowl and trading away Tom Brady to Miami in the offseason.


Pittsburgh Steelers @ Philadelphia Eagles


It's a simple question: Philly cheese steak or the Roethlisburger?  One's got thinly sliced steak topped with melted cheese on a hoagie roll.  The other's made with ground beef, sausage, scrambled eggs, grilled onions and American cheese.  I know which one I'd regret eating within an hour.  Go with the Eagles.


Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens


The Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns.  That is, until 1996, when owner Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore.  Which used to have the Colts until 1984, when they moved to Indianapolis.  Which is roughly 300 miles from Cleveland, which got another Browns franchise in 1999.  None of which has any bearing on the outcome of this game.  Which the Ravens should win.


Kansas City Chiefs @ Atlanta Falcons


It's official: Herm Edwards doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.  Last week against Oakland, he used three different quarterbacks, including Marques Hagans, a reserve wide reciever.  Oh, by the way, his team gave up 300 yards rushing in a 23-8 loss to the Oakland Raiders.  While managing to rack up a grand total of 190 yards of offense.  Herm may not be able to coach his way out of a paper bag, but he's going to coach his way out of Kansas City.  Take the Falcons and fly high.


Brock Turk sez:


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Chicago Bears


Brian Griese returns to Chi-town seeking vengeance against a pack of wounded Bears that narrowly lost a tussle outside of their natural habitat last week.  My adventures in the Kodiak Archipelago taught me that messing with a bunch of pissed-off grizzlies on their home turf is indeed a fool's errand, at best.  Those fuckers are vicious, and the only blood Griese will be tasting is his own.


Carolina Panthers @ Minnesota Vikings


Steve Smith is back to strike fear in the hearts of defensive backs everywhere (including those on his own team), which should bolster a Carolina offense that already features a formidable two-headed juggernaut in RBs DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart.  Local fan Gus Frerotte won a raffle this week and will start at QB for Minny.  If that Purple Jesus fellow suits up, though, watch out -- he's slipperier than the wiliest pehlivan.  Let the looting and pillaging begin!  In light of their infamous Love Boat scandal a few years back, NFL Commish Roger Goodell has asked the Vikes to skip the raping part, though.


New Orleans Saints @ Denver Broncos


Reggie Bush and gal pal Kim Kardashian enter the Mile High Club as two of the biggest busts in their respective professions.  The Broncos are on a Rocky Mountain High of their own after snatching victory from the muscular jaws of incompetent refereeing last week.  Still, I think the Saints piss in Denver's Gatorade here (which is sort of cruel, given QB Jay Cutler's diabetic concerns), and come away with a win.


Dallas Cowboys @ Green Bay Packers


Packers RB Ryan Grant once fractured my skull in eight places when I attempted to tackle him during our college days at God's Mama's University.  True story.  Speaking of gridiron greatness, Dallas WR Terrell Owens needs only 66 more touchdown catches to pass Jerry Rice for first place on the all-time list.  I see him inching closer here, and possibly executing an ill-advised "Lambeau Leap" celebration, resulting in his untimely demise.  Cowboys ride off into the sunset with the victory, but America weeps at the loss of a shit-talking treasure.


Joe Bardi sez:


Oakland Raiders @ Buffalo Bills


The Bills are 2-0 and face the lowly Raiders this week and the even lowlier St. Louis Rams the next.  Provided they maintain focus, the Bills will be 4-0 going into a Week 5 matchup with the also-surging Arizona Cardinals.  After that, the most epic late-season collapse the NFL has ever seen.


Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans


One team has a suicidal backup QB who doesn't like it when the opposing players touch him.  The other is from a city recently devastated by Hurricane Ike.  One man is not a city.  Take Tennessee and give the points.


St. Louis Rams @ Seattle Seahawks


A contender for the biggest disappointment of 2008, Seattle has looked positively horrible in its first two games this year.  But buck up, Seahawks fans -- the Rams are coming to town, making this a virtual bye-week before the real one for the boys from the Pacific Northwest.


New York Jets @ San Diego Chargers (Monday Night)



San Diego has been snakebit through two games this year, with last week's "phantom incomplete" being the most dispiriting.  Hell, even ref Ed Hochuli copped to completely blowing the call that handed the Broncos the game.  This week, they get a gift from the football Gods in the form of the New York Favres.  I'm calling it 41-12, Chargers.


The Lowly Intern sez:


Arizona Cardinals @ Washington Redskins


I was spot-on in my assessment of last week's Skins victory, but this one's a little harder to call -- for reasons that I will take to my grave.  Washington prevailed over a plucky group of Saints then, but now they face the full brunt of God's wrath at the hands of Arizona QB Kurt Warner.  (Disclaimer: Even a drunken hobo would look divine throwing the ball to WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.)  Ergo, I see a win in the Cards here.


Cincinatti Bengals @ New York Giants


It's a classic conundrum: Cincy's too good to suck as badly as they have, and Eli Manning sucks too much to be as good as he has been thus far.  An upset is necessary here to restore order to the football universe (well, that, and several large hairy men are going to "pull my eyeballs out through my asshole" if the Bengals don't cover the spread).  Here's hoping the Giants forget to show up.


Detroit Lions @ San Franciso 49ers


Niners RB Frank Gore shouldn't have much trouble putting up a "Bo Jackson in Tecmo Super Bowl" effort against a toothless Lions D.  Detroit WR Roy Williams has carved out a niche as the league's preeminent first down celebrator, mostly because he's forgetten where the end zone is.  San Fran rolls as I dry my tears with a "Fire Millen" T-shirt.


Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts


Indy's going to feel the loss of defensive MVP Bob Sanders against the onslaught of Jags RBs Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor, but Peyton Manning's won a few shootouts in his time.  (Not as many as teammate Marvin Harrison, though.)  Colts in a barn-burner.

Let's try this again.  We didn't get any comments last week, either due to the fact that the picks went up so late; or perhaps because the post itself neglected to mention the rampant alcohol and/or drug consumption that inspired it.  At any rate, we've learned from our mistake vowed to stubbornly plow ahead.  Bardi put it best: "If there's anything we learned from HST, it's that it's our God-given right as journalists to get wasted and make snarky comments about football.  Fuck 'em if they don't like it."

Filling in for Eric Snider this week (because nobody's seen him since the Loafies) is special guest panelist Brock Turk, a former practice squad standout at Notre Dame, Alaskan wilderness guide and Kirkpinar contestant.

And now, without further ado, on to this week's picks ...

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