20 questions for a sandwich?!

I think I know what the main cultural difference between French and American people really is: It’s the sandwich.

Being brought up in France, a country with strong culinary roots, I’ve always known that a sandwich for lunch isn’t a meal; it’s a snack. When you’re in a hurry, in Paris or elsewhere, you grab a sandwich au pate’, au saucisson or au jambon. Not much choice there, since it consists of a piece of baguette, a think spread of butter, and pate’ or salami or ham. It would not occur to a Frenchman to ask for more butter, less ham, or more baguette, and maybe a little olive oil. No, a sandwich is a sandwich.

You may wonder where i’m getting at. I’m getting at my lunch from Publix today. I was in a hurry and for the purpose of complete, full disclosure, maybe not really in the right mood for what was about to follow.

The nice sandwich lady at the Publix store asked me no less than 20 questions. It’s not a sandwich order; it’s an interrogatory!

I understand that she did her job perfectly, if not with a zest of corporate zeal, which I despise, but still, all I wanted was a sandwich, not telling my life story to a stranger.

I may be the only one in America to wonder about sandwich interrogation procedures, so just to let you experience it for yourself, let me feed you with 20 sandwich-ordering questions. Now remember, all you really want is a roast beef sandwich, and you really couldn’t care less what goes into it, as long as bread and roast beef were involved.

1. How ‘you doin’ today, sir?

2. How can I help you?

3. White bread, wheat or 5 grains?

4. Boar’s head or Publix?

5. Mayonnaise with that?

6. Mustard?

7. Spicy, honey or just mustard?

8. How’s your day goin’ sir?

9. What kind of cheese?

10. No cheese, really?

11. Lettuceoniontomato?

12. Peppers?

13. Jalapeno peppers or sweet peppers?

14. Salt and pepper?

15. olive oil?

16. Vinegar?

17. (after a long stare at some guy in the background) What’s he doin’ back there?

18. What else?

19. Will that be all?

20. Would you like me to hold that for you while you shop?

I like customer service and I like choice. But 20 questions!.. Am I the only one wondering if hungry people are really liking being grilled before sticking their teeth in a sub?.. Wait, here I am asking questions, now.

This article appears in Jun 10-16, 2009.