Budget Cuts Make Prisoners Hungry

Need to cut the budget? Tampa's own Victor Crist (no relation to the guv) wants to cut Department of Corrections expenditures by reducing the food available to inmates. Does anyone get the idea that Charlie Crist is a tad upset over this douche bag's similar name?

Right now, the state mandates 3200 calories per day per inmate. Crist (no relation) wants that cut to 2700. That's despite the fact that a 5'9" male who weighs 160 pounds and exercises an hour a day requires over 2900 calories.Ya' think most inmates are 5'9" and weigh 160?

Besides the money saved, think of the unexpected results of such a change:

  • Inmates will be slimmer, healthier and live longer, costing the state more in the long run.
  • Prison economies will move from sexual slavery, toilet gin and cigarettes to pudding and fish sticks.
  • Instead of being sent out on work gangs and road crews, inmates can be sourced to fashion shoots and couture runway shows — which equals more revenue for the state.
  • Keeping inmates hungry is a tried and true way of controlling prison populations.

Although the Department of Corrections used to have prison farms and bought local foods from Florida growers, now the state contracts prison food service to large corporations like Aramark. And, to no one's surprise, Aramark would like to cut caloric outlay to 2100 calories per inmate, claiming they could save $15 million per year. Why are you aiming so low, Aramark?

While researching prison food for a story I'm working on, a friendly, anonymous source in the department of corrections encouraged me to "ask about the loaf." The "Management Loaf" is a diabolical tool that prison officials dole out to those lucky inmates who — often in solitary confinement — refuse to cooperate fully with the guards. The prison kitchen takes leftovers and untouched food of all varieties and mashes them together, slaps the resulting concoction (which one prison worker described as "chunky vomit") in a loaf pan and bakes it into a solid, over-cooked mess of calories. The loaf is usually served cold and prisoners have reported that it causes "gastric distress, cramps, diarrhea, and bloating."

Slice and serve. Yum.

Perhaps we could call it the Crist Surprise (no relation) and serve it to everyone in the system, regardless of behavior. Maybe next he'll turn his attention to school lunches!

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