Navigating the holidays is difficult. Add in the need to entertain visiting family and friends and your stress level is likely to have you stuffing more bourbon than eggnog into your hand-painted Saint Nicholas tumbler. How do you pick a place to eat that will satisfy all the disparate pill-popping aunts, surly cousins and gin-swilling grannies? We can help.
Below is a short list of where to take your holiday visitors, depending on which stereotypes describe your group. Think your family isn't so easily pegged? Stop fooling yourself and get ready to make reservations.
An early start
For most of us, holiday get-togethers mark the one time every year when we absolutely need liquid assistance to get through the overwhelming psychic stress of dealing with relatives. You're not alone; after a few hearty belts from a bottle, everyone feels better explaining why they haven't found someone/gotten a real job/fixed their son's love of animal torture. But how to justify getting an early start on your boozing? Café Alma (260 First Ave., St. Petersburg, 727-502-5002 or cafealma.com) has been providing the ideal solution to this dilemma for years with its fully stocked, self-serve Bloody Mary bar at weekend brunch. While waiting for a plate of crab cake Benedict, you can belly up to the bar and create a masterpiece of horseradish, tomato juice and vodka. Didn't get the mix quite right? Try again. And again. And again.
Guys' night out
Need to stop that rich, recently divorced uncle of yours from spending another night crying into his beer while his three kids spend the weekend skiing with the ex's new boy toy? Take advantage of his vulnerability by having him pay for a dinner with some extra-special service. The Penthouse Club (1801 N. West Shore Blvd., Tampa, 813-288-9200 or thepenthouseclubtampa.com) isn't your typical strip joint, thanks to a high-end steakhouse within sight of the action on stage. All the meat is prime, and the steaks are pretty good too! Sure, you'll easily be adding a few hundred bucks to the typical strip-club tab, but get Uncle Pitiful into one of the VIP rooms with a lovely, anorexic Romanian lady and he'll likely break out the platinum Amex in thanks. These are the types of holiday memories that live forever. Especially in a few years, whenever you need a job referral from him.
The rural cheapskates
Did your holiday visitors ride into town in the back of a Ford pick-up truck littered with crushed cans, belongings packed neatly into tattered Wal-Mart bags? Do they sneer at finer foods and have difficulty with the math when it comes to splitting the check? Don't worry, you can still blow their minds. At Atwater's Cafeteria (895 22nd Ave. S., St. Petersburg, 727-823-7018), your inbred cousins will not only find the kind of food they crave, they'll also have to pay individually. And this ain't their momma's cornbread and smothered pork chops — this food is actually damn good. After days of eating off the dollar menu, they'll be slapping your back and commenting on how they must have misjudged you. If they long to dine among more kindred souls, though, take them to Ted Peters Famous Smoked Fish (1350 Pasadena Ave. S., St. Petersburg, 727-381-7931). There, along with fellow goobers in cut-off denim bikini bottoms, they can smoke generic cigarettes at the outside picnic tables.
WASPs on parade
In direct contrast, you may need a place to take all those emotionally constipated Northern relatives who need a place to raise their pinkies as they toss back Old Fashioneds at a stately, marathon pace. Head to Marchand's Bar and Grill (501 Fifth Ave. N.E., St. Petersburg, 727-894-1060) at the Renaissance Vinoy in downtown St. Petersburg. The food isn't exciting, but after a few generous martinis, no one will notice, let alone care. Amidst the giant frescoed ceiling painted with early Florida scenes and the view of massive sailboats anchored in the Bay, anyone clad in a blue blazer emblazoned with a club patch will feel right at home.
A Hebrew Christmas
Let's not forget the People this holiday season. Although there aren't many Bay area restaurants that follow the laws, there is one classic Christmas combo that'll serve you and your extended Jewish family right: Chinese, and plenty of it. China Yuan (8502 N. Armenia Ave., Tampa, 813-936-7388 or chinayuanrestaurant.com) serves up serious Cantonese seafood and barbecue. You can pick a golden-brown duck straight from the hanging carcasses in the back, or choose a fish from the aquarium to be sautéed with luscious fermented bean sauce almost before your eyes. It's as fresh as seafood gets and good enough to compensate for the sides of pig suspended in plain sight.
Kids gone wild
Don't blame the hapless, surly youngsters forced to travel far from their Xboxes this holiday season. Why not throw them a bone and take it upon yourself to be the cool uncle? Gather them up and go to Gameworks (1600 E. Eighth Ave., Tampa, 813-241-9675 or gameworks.com). Take care to pitch this one to the rugrats' parents, and they'll likely start throwing money at you to subsidize the adventure, thankful for a few hours of quiet. Put money on a bunch of cards, force older kids to buddy up with younger and set them free while you head to the bar. Order copious amounts of fried food, sit back, and watch the carnage. If you happen to down a few too many beers while your charges eradicate legions of undead or work out a week's worth of pent-up energy on a Dance, Dance knockoff, you can elevate your standing even further by having a teen with a learner's permit take the wheel on the way home. Not that we advocate that.
This article appears in Dec 3-9, 2008.