Last week, while fiddling around on Instagram, I somehow came across the account of Jeni Britton Bauer. I quickly fell in love with the packaging behind the James Beard Award-winning cookbook author’s Columbus, Ohio-founded ice cream brand, Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams, and scrolled through her collage of colorful photos for a while (and you know what I mean by a while).
Then I closed my phone, and that was that.
Or so I thought.
I’m not sure who was in charge of the universe that day, but I ended up receiving a package at our CL offices from… dun, dun, duuun… Jeni’s.
Like, what? How was this possible? And also: How weird, right?
Did Instagram fucking notify this visionary badass that I was creeping on her page really hard earlier? Is this whole thing part of the platform’s new privacy policy or some shit? Jesus. Not that I’d actually be mad about it, deep down (I mean, there were six pints of ice cream in front of me). And my coworkers definitely didn’t seem to mind.
I made such a scene when I realized who the box was from that the staff, understandably, cornered me at my desk — and quicker than they usually do when the food editor gets a delivery, for the record — to see what the hell my problem was.
Since everyone was so interested in my life all of a sudden, I figured we’d conduct a super official taste test of the creative flavors sent over by Jeni’s, which has 30-plus brick-and-mortar shops across nine states. Darkest Chocolate, Brambleberry Crisp, Salty Caramel and Brown Butter Almond Brittle arrived with newcomers Supermoon (limited-time combo of blue violet and vanilla marshmallow ice creams) and Frosé Sorbet (sangria-style frozen rosé with pear, strawberry and watermelon).
The pints we tried recently rolled out to every Publix store in existence. For good reason, obvs. Here’s a statement from Britton Bauer on the expansion and what she calls “the fellowship model,” the brand’s union of good food values and 21st century tools:
“I’ve spent more than half my life making ice creams that tell stories — of the hundreds of growers, makers and producers with whom we work. Of place, history and tradition. Of art and pop culture. And I’ve done it in a way that brings people together and celebrates community,” the ice cream maven said. “I’m over the moon to announce our community is growing. We’ve launched seven flavors at all Publix stores and we could not be more proud.”
Read on for the entertaining roundup of staff comments and critiques. How else are you gonna know which flavor to scoop during that next shopping trip?
DARKEST CHOCOLATE
“Made for chocoholics.”
“Good, not amazing. Fills the chocolate void.”
“My foreskin tingled. I’m mixing it with the Salty Caramel now.”
BRAMBLEBERRY CRISP
“Very nice blend of ice cream and fruit. Balanced.”
“Want more with waffles.”
“Very rich mixture/combo!”
SALTY CARAMEL
“Oh my god! It’s like the Caramel Police just raided my mouth! So good!”
“Too much caramel.”
“Tasty! Perfect balance.”
"Gimme more salt!”
BROWN BUTTER ALMOND BRITTLE
“Moan-worthy.”
“By far the best flavor in Jeni’s line of killer ice creams!”
“Best. Would hide from spouse.”
SUPERMOON
“Weird. But very nice. Unique and light flavor.”
“Cotton candy party.”
“So super! Unlike anything I’ve ever tried before.”
“If you catch the Easter Bunny and squeeze him, his guts probably taste like this.”
FROSÉ SORBET
“I hate frosé — I love this tho.”
“Damn good and dairy-free.”
“Frosé and ice cream. Dreams do come true!”
“A nondairy option that tastes like a dairy option. The perfect amount of tart and sweet!”
This article appears in Apr 5-12, 2018.