Did that cannoli Elimination Test on Wednesday night's episode of MasterChef have anyone else saying, "Oh-noli?"
No? Just me?
How do I keep falling for this shit? And by this shit I mean the show's dramatic trickery, the kind that makes you think the dude you're rooting for, Tampa marketing director Jeff Philbin, is going home. Thankfully, it didn't happen, but, Jesus. The episode's outcome looked pretty damn bleak for those of us tuning in around the Bay area.
Here's (almost) everything that happened — broken down into GIFs.
Pittsburgh dancer Caitlin and Harvard student Adam are named captains for the latest team challenge, which tasks the home cooks with making a dish using farm-to-table ingredients from fishmongers, mushroom growers and other local purveyors. Down to two competitors to choose from, Philbin being one of them, Caitlin says, "One can be led and the other cannot." Philbin's reaction:
You know who you are. 👀 #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/6o2Y3asXAz
— MasterChef (@MASTERCHEFonFOX) August 3, 2017
Anyway, Philbin ends up with Adam's red crew, alongside a few of my other favorites.
Eboni, Yachecia, and Dino on the same team??? #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/UcBddJ9iLV
— Miss Boxy Frown MBA (@missboxyfrown) August 3, 2017
Blue team captain Caitlin tells judge Gordon Ramsay they're doing skin-on halibut (?) with homemade ricotta (??). Ramsay: "Say that again?"
Fish and cheese? #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/SFRfPOyRxz
— carlos (@iamnotcarlos) August 3, 2017
lmao fish & cheese. #Masterchef pic.twitter.com/35ihgQImih
— sensual sheisty (@girlee_) August 3, 2017
Red says they're going with a pan-seared pork chops, Parmesan polenta and a shit ton of other stuff. But California sales manager Brien and Texas rancher Newton can't seem to cut, or cook, the chops right. Chicago addiction counselor Eboni and her killer purple lipstick are not having it. At. All. "Told y'all I should've been doin' pork chops," says Eboni after Ramsay tells them off as the clock's winding down.
Pork chop, garlic polenta, bok choy, almonds, dates, gorgonzola... On the same plate? #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/BL7fqrgZnd
— Angela (@TheKitchenista) August 3, 2017
Eboni rn #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/CdrQ3iMD4F
— Miss Boxy Frown MBA (@missboxyfrown) August 3, 2017
According to Adam, their plating looks like a "food bouquet."
"Food bouquet", Adam? #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/G8KMFOQHMR
— マリー / 마리 💫 찡구 (@pixandpaws) August 3, 2017
However, one of red's diners got raw pork. So, naturally, the win goes to blue.
An undercooked pork chop. Yuck. #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/8AbIdt2pD0
— Darcie (@BIGHAIRANDBOOBS) August 3, 2017
Now, it's onto the Pressure Test. The three judges tell Adam he can save one person — even himself — from elimination. He chooses Brien, who, I'm sure you remember, was all kinds of fucked up on the pork station. Philbin ("I think that's fucked up ((maybe bullshit?)) because, at the end of the day, the porks that were coming off of Brien's [were] not up to the level that needed to be done for these great purveyors") and Eboni ("I'm shocked, too. Brien should've been on another station. He would've been better") come for them. And Detroit minister and standout-polenta-cooking Yachecia's the only one dubbed safe.
Yachecia, you're my hero. #MasterChef #KeepQueening 👑👑 pic.twitter.com/sy7uqTXEAm
— PassThePeas (@18Proverbs22) August 3, 2017
This is where it gets goood. The bottom cooks are instructed to whip up a batch of cannoli, and Dino gets super excited. Cannoli are his thing. He is a dancer from New York, you know.
Dino when he saw they were making connoli 😂 #Masterchef pic.twitter.com/ZbFfTa7OaJ
— ♥Gods_Gift♥ (@Divine_Angel89) August 3, 2017
Well, at least the ricotta is being used for dessert. #masterchef pic.twitter.com/EDyj9bnwck
— gerberdaisy (@elaine5686) August 3, 2017
Adam says Eboni and Philbin are who he wants gone the most. Cute.
Eboni you better slay! Tell them! #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/7La0JYxhSM
— Miss Boxy Frown MBA (@missboxyfrown) August 3, 2017
He and Brien need to quit.
Seems like some home cooks have it out for Eboni.😵 #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/qqbEDRPk1a
— MasterChef (@MASTERCHEFonFOX) August 3, 2017
Oooooo they're so intimidated by Eboni. I love it!!! #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/rhs5PKi9D2
— Darcie (@BIGHAIRANDBOOBS) August 3, 2017
Before a commercial, in true MasterChef fashion, the episode shows Philbin flipping out in the kitchen — over not having enough filling for his cannoli, it sounds like. (On the plus side, we did see him without a hat on for the first time; no glasses earlier as well). We get back from the break and, yep, well, this looks like the end of the road for our local guy. I am officially stressed.
HERE'S HOPING. pic.twitter.com/B7AnCrGS9v
— マリー / 마리 💫 찡구 (@pixandpaws) August 3, 2017
Eboni! #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/kt0bD98R71
— Chris Fasick (@cfasick) August 3, 2017
Cannoli judging is underway, and we learn Dino's Nonna taught him well because he makes tasty-looking cannoli. As far as the other cooks go, Brien and Adam's cannoli weren't great (I believe judge Christina Tosi referred to Brian's as "throw up-y," another fine description), but neither were Philbin's. Judge Aarón Sánchez to Philbin: "Is this the end of your time here, Jeff?" It could really be any of them leaving.
Jeffs cannolis #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/ujCnW7UxL6
— Nays Ways (@TrendNee) August 3, 2017
Dino, Eboni and Newton head up to the balcony for safe haven, with Philbin and Adam (who're instructed to untie their aprons, almost like they're going home) not far behind them. Bye, Brien.
Brien let his mouth write a check his ass couldn't cash. #MasterChef pic.twitter.com/ITjqc6kDSX
— Angela (@TheKitchenista) August 3, 2017
