"My name isn’t Jeeves" and seven other waiter peeves

4. My favorite, though, are the ones who don't feel the need to acknowledge me at all, as if I'm some homeless person who's approached their car at a stoplight. I hope you're not hungry because it's going to be about 30 minutes before you see me again.

5. If I come to your table loaded with plates of food and there's nowhere to place them, unless you help me I'm going to walk away. If I could levitate items with my mind, I wouldn't be here; I'd be in Las Vegas.

6. If I'm clearing items/crumbs/other detritus from the table, MOVE! You know what I'm attempting to do so if you want to sit there and languish in the mashed potatoes or vegetable of the day -- that somehow a person your age couldn't transport the short distance from plate to mouth -- fiiiine. Don't let me intrude.

7. Same with you people who for some reason have to have their chair a foot out from the table. If I'm trying to get by and can't get around, move the chair up! It's common courtesy.

8. If I'm a female, a: No, you can't see my tits and b: The degree to which you are (or more than likely are not) affecting the level of relative humidity in a certain nether region of mine is none of your fucking business. (Real live examples folks.) I'm just trying to do a job here so why don't you just try and make it a little easier? All you're proving by being a dick is how small yours really is.

Just as an aside, I was watching a body language expert on MSNBC the other day talking about Bernard Madoff and his smirk. According to her the smirk is not really a half smile but a sign of contempt.

Take a look at my face the next time you're in and judge for yourself.

1. My Name isn;t Jeeves and as far as I know you didn't pay my way over from the old country. You are my guest and I am your host, not a minion to do your bidding. I am a courteous, friendly professional who attempts to provide all my clients with a pleasant dining experience regardless of their income/breeding/social status.

2. I don't care that you're a doctor, lawyer, CPA or CEO and (gasp!) I don't care how much you're worth. I treat everyone with respect and expect to be treated with the same. I'm not the steerage to your Promenade Deck so lose the attitude.

3. The answer to "Hello! How are you today?" is not "Ketel and tonic with lime." If you were to say hello to me in your office I wouldn't say:"pro forma balance sheet! or "digital rectal exam!"

Four more after the break:

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