Tasty sports vittles

Tebow hungry, Penn portly, The Juice fattening and more …

click to enlarge TIM THE PATRIOT: The New England Patriots have picked up Tim Tebow, which makes us wonder if God or the Devil just answered the QB’s prayers. - Clemed via wikipedia
Clemed via wikipedia
TIM THE PATRIOT: The New England Patriots have picked up Tim Tebow, which makes us wonder if God or the Devil just answered the QB’s prayers.

Food glorious food!

Hot sausage and mustard!

While we’re in the mood —

Cold jelly and custard!

That’s right, my little hungry, hungry hippos. It’s the gastro-edition of the Sports Binge with an Oliver “Twist.” (Bam!) The symbiotic relationship between watching your beloved home team and furiously punching your face with delectable pants-splitting awesomeness is as old as the Last Supper itself. Ever wonder why they’re all facing the same direction? There was a game on.

“Jesus, we haven’t gotten a first down all day!”

And that’s how it started. True story.

Speaking of Jesus, Tim Tebow has sadly fallen to the dark side by joining the New England Patriots this week, giving haters all over social media yet another Tebow-bashing boner. Coach Darth Belichick, notorious for picking castoffs from the clearance bin and shining them up real nice, reunited Timmy with offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, who was the Broncos’ head coach when Denver drafted him in 2010 and went to the playoffs one year later.

JC was unavailable for comment, but the son of God’s agent, Pope Francis, dismissed the apparent deal with the Devil as nothing more than a footnote in the book of Tebow.

“Haven’t you guys seen Star Wars?” Francis asked through an interpreter. “Tim, like Anakin, will have his epiphany and toss Belichick into a Death Star pit or something. Chillax.”

When asked what food Jesus prefers when watching his favorite player?

“Cotton candy,” the Pope proclaimed without missing a beat. “The way it melts in his mouth makes him giggle like a schoolgirl.”

I am so going to Hell.

Food glorious food!

Don’t care what it looks like —

Burned! Underdone! Crude!

Don’t care what the cook’s like.

Speaking of Hell and food, have you seen OJ lately? That double murderer looks like he ate his prison bitch with a side of cow. According to friends (friends?), he’s been eating too many baked beans and not enough green beans while trying to build muscle for when he gets out of the pokey. Apparently, after he serves his term for kidnapping and robbery, the Juice plans to embark on a speaking tour (of course he does). Book your seat now and they’ll throw in a spot next to Orenthal James on his express elevator to the fiery pits of Beelzebub’s bachelor pad at no extra cost.

Just thinking of growing fat —

Our senses go reeling

One moment of knowing that

Full-up feeling!

Speaking of angry fat-ass football players, Buccaneer offensive tackle and nacho aficionado Donald Penn got his granny panties in a bunch after Pewter Report’s Mark Cook mistakenly reported that Penn had failed to make weight requirements as stated in his contract (Cook later amended his report). So the 330-pound crybaby did the only sensible thing there was to do by … wait for it … bitching about it on Twitter, the Dear Diary of the inter-webs:

“keep reporting bullshit on me n see the next time I do a interview wit u yo shit is lies get the facts 1st Cook b4 you say shit”

Offensive linemen are supposedly the more intelligent players in football. I’ll give you a moment to let that soak in.

After that gem of a quote, I can’t imagine how Mr. Cook can continue to report without Penn’s priceless insight. He did however get some unexpected free publicity as the virtual spat made the rounds from Yahoo Sports to Pro Football Talk.

So, without further ado. (Ahem …)

Hey, Donald. Your ass is so fat, on a scale from 1 to 10 it’s a 747.

Eh, player interviews are boring anyway. If you drank every time you heard the phrase, “One game at a time,” you’d be blind before the first commercial break.

On a positive note, if spell-check had kids, Donald Penn single-handedly put them through college. (Zing!)

Honorable Afterthoughts: After 5 hours and 24 minutes, the Rays ultimately failed at what would have been a miraculous comeback in their series opener against the Red Sucks Monday night (pussing out early and getting some sleep finally paid off); the WNBA introduced the “ref cam” during the Phoenix Somethings and the Indiana Whatevers game Saturday (I’d call it a “Jump the Shark” moment, but people actually watched Happy Days); finally, former NFL wide receiver Chad “Ocho-Cinco” Johnson wide received 30 days for slapping his attorney’s ass in court after scoring a possible plea deal. Dude … act like you’ve been there before.

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