Last week's episode sure got my hopes up. I hate to keep complaining about what a snooze-fest this season is, but seriously, it is. Is it the contestants? Is it the editing of the show? Why can't someone cut themselves or make out with another contestant like last season? Oh, it's supposed to be about the food – right.
This week's Quickfire consisted of creating a TV dinner (in a plastic tray, even) inspired by a classic television show. Redbeard (Kevin) gets The Sopranos, so he makes meatballs. Okay. Eli gets Gilligan's Island, so he makes macadamia nut-crusted shrimp. Fitting. Ceveech (Jen) gets The Flintstones, so she makes a chicken roulade. Huh? And Jersey Mike has never even seen Seinfeld so he just pulls something out of his ass. I understand that most of the shows are a bit before their time, but seriously, who isn't familiar with them? Maybe I expected some of them to be a little more cultured and up-to-date on their classic television (excluding Jersey Mike). Anyway, Redbeard takes the win. Big surprise, though I was a little amazed that he didn't use pork in his dish.
For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs were let loose in Tom's restaurant, Craftsteak, where they go apeshit over all of the choice proteins they think they're going to use. Then their guest judge is introduced: Natalie Portman! And guess what? She's a vegetarian! (Didn't we see this in Top Chef Masters?) The cheftestants' faces then immediately took on the "oh shit" look and they all turned white.
Jersey Mike claimed to be an expert on vegetarian cuisine, Redbeard said he doesn't eat meat during Lent (meaning: he doesn't eat pork products), and Eli proceeded to give vegetarians a lovely compliment by saying that they're "lower human beings". In the end, Jersey Mike tries to pass of undercooked leeks as a protein and gets the axe, while Redbeard takes the win with his "manly" veggie dish.
More fashion foibles this season: Padma's tube top/pant suit atrocity, Ceveech's tube top dress and open-toe ankle boots ensemble a la Pretty Woman, and Gail Simmons' green prom dress circa Dynasty '86.
Podcast highlights: Natalie's colorful language at the dinner table and her lack of ethnic friends, Ceveech's "Philly Camaro" hair and falling self-esteem, and a plethora of "That's what she said" jokes.
Hear the hilarious podcast after the jump:
This article appears in Nov 11-17, 2009.