Where have all the real celebrities gone?

So, now you’re wondering what happened to the real celebrities. You know – the ones with real acting jobs and talent and interesting, jet-setting lives that we just have to know more about? The big guns?

Julia Roberts is hiding out with her twins and fame-free hubbie in her New Mexico ranch, frittering away her huge teethed-beauty on Broadway – all the rage among the big names nowadays – or in cartoons like The Ant Bully and Charlotte’s Web, another out-of-the-spotlight celebrity pastime.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s taken the next step and left the Hollywood radar entirely to make the occasional movie and more babies with her musician husband, Chris Martin, in London.

Tom Cruise has jumped the shark. At this point, none of us care about what his Scientology-spouting ass has to say about anything, nor do we care about what he’s doing because he’s become a creepy motherfucker. And with Katie Holmes and little Suri on board, it's like a family of doppelgangers.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – forget about it. Angelina’s talking about quitting acting all together to prepare for grandmahood while Brad Pitt had joined her on the charitable causes-baby adoption bandwagon.

Lindsey Lohan can’t hold down a job and seems to have settled comfortably into a life as a lesbian with her butch girlfriend who does, at least, have a cute smile.

And Amy Winehouse has become a living, breathing “This is your brain on drugs” commercial, her skin flaking off, her teeth rotting out, her bones jutting sharply. She looks like a creature from Night of the Living Dead and at this point, it’s just not right to make fun of her or even follow her whereabouts anymore because she’s just so goddamn pathetic.

There's so many others -- Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Meg Ryan, Matthew McConaughey, Ben Affleck ... the list goes on and on.

Who's your favorite disappearing celeb?

We are currently in the midst of a severe celebrity slump.

Real, honest-to-goodness headline-grabbing celebs are no where to be found. Instead, we’ve been bombarded with the imitation crab variety, pretty girls and airbrushed guys with little to offer above and beyond their MTV “reality” shows. I can’t get away from them – the Lauren Conrads, Heidi Montags, Spencer Pratts and Audrina Partridges of the world. I don’t watch the show, yet I know every freaking thing that’s going on in their “lives.” I’m bombarded with information about them, not because they have any redeeming qualities, or talents, or have done something noteworthy, but because they’re whores for the camera. They see a lens and instead of hiding their faces, or smiling uncomfortably and scurrying for the closest exit ala authentic celebs, they make a beeline straight for the photo op. This full-on media assault on my consciousness has caused me to avoid my usual celeb gossip haunts because I know I’m gonna find out some useless bit of information about how Audrina’s tits might be fake, or how Lauren and Heidi might finally bury the hatchet, or whether or not Spencer is going to propose again and what size diamond will he choose (it has to be big, you know how Heidi gets), and where oh where are they tying the knot, and will it be recorded and broadcast on The Hills, and will Heidi get her dress made personally by Vera Wang?

Excuse me, I’ve thrown up in my mouth a little and it tastes of my disgust in humanity.

Pictured: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, ruining the time-honored tradition of celebritydom one photo op at a time.

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