After feeling the wrath of both Helene and Milton, Tampa Bay has arguably experienced the worst couple weeks in recent history, and we’ll be learning lessons from this for years to come. But for now, here are a few important revelations I’ve experienced so far.

The Jackson House will never fall over At least by a hurricane. Credit: Photo via Google Maps
Listen to your local meteorologist, not an unqualified, doom and gloom TikToker Denis Philips is the only guy allowed to wear suspenders in Tampa Bay for a reason. Credit: Screengrab via WFTS

Maybe cranes shouldn’t be left up during peak hurricane season?

You know, because they fall on stuff. Credit: Photo by Dave Decker
There’s no shame in leaving, and you don’t win anything for staying “Yay, I won … trauma.” Credit: Photo via FDOT
Securing a spot for your car in an elevated parking garage is better than sex Honk if you’re horny for hurricane protection. Credit: Amy Martz/Visit Tampa Bay
When the traffic lights stop working, it’s a four-way stop. But no one knows what that means It’s pretty simple, actually – cars with Flo-Grown stickers get to go first, Salt Life goes second. Credit: Photo via HCSO/Facebook
The people saying the “experts” and the media were wrong about Milton and Helene clearly don’t understand how science works It’s fucking weather, not a pizza you’re following on the Domino’s Tracker. Credit: Photo via NOAA
The Florida Republicans who recently voted against FEMA funding should have to personally rebuild their constituents homes And now they want the funding, I wonder why? Credit: Photo via Anna Paulina Luna/Facebook
Driving on the shoulder is for maniacs, even when it’s legal I’m making great time driving over all this shoulder debris and garbage. Credit: Photo via Shutterstock
That Lt. Dan Guy is an idiot and shouldn’t be given any praise or attention He also likes to use the N-word, so uh, yeah.. Credit: Photo via Terrence Concannon/Fresh Take Florida
Treasure Island, Florida on Sept. 27, 2024. Credit: Photo by Dave Decker
Tampa Bay is absolutely not prepared for a direct hit But at least St. Pete is going to spend $600 million on a new baseball stadium. Credit: Photo via Duke Energy
Bayshore Boulevard in Tampa, Florida on Sept. 26, 2024. Credit: Photo by Dave Decker

Back roads when evacuating are good, back roads when returning are bad

YOU SHALL NOT PASS Credit: Photo by Dave Decker
Credit: Photo by Dave Decker
Credit: Photo by Dave Decker
The people who believe in weaponized weather control are going to vote. I know for a fact that the libs are behind these hurricanes because Milton turned my dog gay. Credit: Photo via Marjorie Taylor Greene/Facebook
For the last time, FEMA disaster money comes from dedicated funds that cannot be used for other purposes You gullible numbskulls. Credit: Photo via U.S. National Guard/Twitter

This state will probably never willingly limit development in coastal areas

Nothing another taxpayer funded beach renourishment can’t fix. Credit: Photo by Ben Montgomery
Treasure Island, Florida on Sept. 27, 2024, following Hurricane Helene. Credit: Photo by Dave Decker

Colin Wolf has been working with weekly newspapers since 2007 and has been the Digital Editor for Creative Loafing Tampa since 2019. He is also the Director of Digital Content Strategy for CL's parent...